Playing with Stakes and Hearts
by girl-on-sunshine
Summary: Rose is back and more confident than ever - with her two lovers. Will it be Adrian or Dimitri that finally penetrates her heart? Sequel to Aftermath, expect more fun and games. CAN BE READ ALONE.
1. Welcome Back, Lover

**Playing with Stakes and Hearts **

This is the sequel to Aftermath, Rose has just left Adrian's room and it starts from the last chapter of Aftermath. The proper Author's Note is at the end.

_This is an excerpt from the last chapter of Aftermath:_

"_I'm sorry that that is the way things turned out. But really, how do you expect this be a long-term relationship? You're a royal Moroi; I'm the most famous novice guardian this place has ever seen. But... We can have something." Rose offered._

"_Need an endorphin fix?" Adrian asked sarcastically._

_Rose shook her head and walked over to him, "I really wish you could see what I mean, there's still hope. We'll talk later. Goodbye, Adrian." She kissed his cheek lightly and shook out her hair, spinning towards the door and walking purposefully out._

* * *

Rose's POV

Song: Sunday Best by Washington

I let my lips slide into the famous Rose Hathaway man-eater grin as I swung the cabin door open. He was there of course, sitting on the edge of the bed, staring out the window.

"Hey Comrade," I said, walking in.

"Rose..." He said wearily, turning to face me and shaking his head slightly, "well, they always said you were a tease with that body."

Laughing I walked over to him, "This one?" I said, sitting on his lap and hugging him, he was still here, he was still mine. _Dimitri._ How I love that name...

"Mm." He said into my neck, "This dress..."

"Remember when I came to your room in it?" I said grinning, thinking back on the lust spell.

He growled in response, I had a feeling this was his dark side.

Kissing him fiercely, I wanted his dark side, his good side had too much of a conscience.

"Rose..." He tried to say around my mouth.

"Dimitri," I moaned, wrapping my arms around him.

"God, I love you." He sighed, kissing my jaw, trailing back to my lips.

I bit his bottom lip and tugging his shirt off.

He pulled us back onto the bed, all passion and fierce love. The time apart ripping our hearts out and each kiss our resuscitation. No hesitation, no questions or pauses. We were here in the moment.

Bodies intertwining while our hearts synchronised - moving, loving, feeling as one.

Falling against the pillows together, catching our breath, drifting to sleep amidst whispered pledges of love. Consummating his return, our return.

Waking in the morning to go back to my other life, where Dimitri didn't exist. Kissing him goodbye, his concerned face, he was so lost. Back in his body but still reeling. He still hated himself for being strigoi, for the shadows that now haunted his mind. He may be physically healed but we both had a long way to go.

Strutting my way into the cafeteria with renewed confidence and a mini skirt, smiling wickedly at the glances – the way it would happen every day this week.

"Welcome back, Rose." Shouting from Ralf's table, cheers.

Whispers from the girl's tables, "Look who's a slut again."

Confused glances, displeased glares, disappointed sighs from people who were my friends. I'm taking this all the way; some people are just never pleased. When I was going through my dark phrase they were unhappy, now I'm perfectly happy and they are dissatisfied.

Slowly, so cautious, Lissa let a smile show and whispered "Rose is back."

Christian just watched me intently, he was always so analysing. Well, there are no holes in this picture.

Eddie high fived me, "Morning beautiful,"

"It is a beautiful day, isn't it? When I woke up this morning I was taken away by how gorgeous it is." I said gesturing out the window, thinking of Dimitri.

"It's nearly a full moon, that's probably why it's so nice outside."Lissa nodded appreciatively.

Adrian was in the lunch line, but when he had his tray of food, he walked straight past our table, toward the exit.

I hit his butt as he went passed, grabbing his wrist, "Why so keen to escape?"

Lissa giggled, Christian's eyes narrowed.

"I'm sorry, did you need something?" He asked, resting a hand on my neck- where he had bitten me - and smiling, "I've got to go to the feeders." His head inclined in the direction, inviting me, trying to be horrible and mean. His first come back was always about endorphin addictions.

"Nope, I'm good. Oh, I have something for you." I reached into my bag, smirking when my face was out of sight.

I handed him the box and said, "Open it later."

He shrugged, "Sure."

"I might be looking to _borrow_ it sometime, but I know you wanted one." I grinned and caressed his arm.

"Fine." He said, walking off.

I giggled at the memory of wrapping the gift, it was the black dress. The one Dimitri had unzipped last night, the one Adrian had wanted to unzip. Our private joke really was fun; he had to own it to take it off. It had started when I borrowed a t-shirt of his, now it was going big-time.

I was going big-time. It's funny; this was the closest to what the rumours were saying that I had ever been.

* * *

A/N: It's rated M for now and only to be safe, tell me if you think it needs to be M or not.

The first chapter is short, I'll admit it. Just a taster - enticing enough?

Putting things in bold is the equivelent to yelling, so I do this fully aware of that. **I Need A Beta. Please? **Aftermath was greatly improved when I got a beta. I'm desperate. I know everyone is busy.

Next time, more fun and games!

xx G.


	2. Horrible People Do Horrible Things

_Chapter 2_

_Song: Club can't handle me by Flo Rida (feat. David Guetta)_

_Rose's POV_

Laughing I walked away from Cameron (him looking crest fallen), who was calling the shots now? I had no plans to add another guy into the equation. I had forgotten how fun this was.

Dimitri was no challenge; he welcomed me back with open arms that night, although he fell asleep nearly immediately. Adrian on the other hand didn't seem very happy. I was going to have to show him how to let go and have a good time. I mentally laughed at that idea; he was Adrian Ivashkov, _the party boy_.

"Did Adrian seem upset yesterday to you? Other than how he didn't go to lunch..." Christian was asking Lissa as I walked slowly into the commons.

Lissa was painted in glowing hues from the setting sun, looking like an angel with her golden hair. She shrugged, unconcerned with Christian as she watched the evening news.

"He did seem a little agitated, didn't he?" I asked, sitting on the armrest beside Christian.

"Rose!" Lissa greeted, surprised.

Christian tilted his head to the side, "You wouldn't know why, then?"

"Well..." I paused, crossing my legs slowly, "He isn't forthcoming. I'm not interested really, you know Adrian. He has his moods." I waved a hand and looked to the television.

Lissa giggled, "_His moods_, so true. He probably had a hangover."

"He doesn't drink anymore." Christian argued; _he really needed to chill out_.

I mock whispered to Lissa behind my hand, "You need to show boyfriend here a good time, he's very edgy..."

Lissa laughed and I winked, walking toward the door, "Breakfast?" I didn't wait for a reply.

Adrian grudgingly showed up and went straight to the lunch line but Eddie dragged him back to our table before he could escape. Obviously, Eddie did this without thinking Adrian might like to escape.

I leaned over Eddie and kissed Adrian's cheek when they sat down; Lissa was contemplating dragging Christian away because of his bad mood and doing something about it, let's just say I needed a distraction.

Adrian deemed that distraction be an argument.

"Hey, Dreamy," I purred in Adrian's ear before Eddie made me sit back in my chair and as he said 'stop showing him things that would get him punched.'

"Rose." Adrian stated.

"You okay?" I asked nonchalantly.

I knew he was mad at me, that I had walked out on him and we had been fighting because I refused to say I loved him and not Dimitri. How could I when Dimitri was back? Adrian didn't know how much he had asked of me.

"I'm fine, Rose, how about you?" He said glaring.

I grinned, "You know me. Did you open the gift I gave you?"

He answered quietly, leaning across Eddie, "Yes, you must be confused though – I'm not into cross-dressing. Unless it was meant as a reminder that it will always be him, the only time I ever saw you in that thing was the night you told me you loved him, after all."

Christian and Lissa looked between us; Eddie pretended to be occupied with the label on his yoghurt.

I sighed and flicked my hair over my shoulder, dismissing his claims, "Really Adrian, this isn't the time. Besides, I'm sure you know the significance behind my gift, if you've forgotten I'll show you tonight. Either way, I'll see you before dinner, 'kay?"

I stood up and kissed his cheek, whispering in his ear, "Don't be mad, we'll talk."

Walking out of the cafeteria, I called over my shoulder, "See you guys at lunch!" and blew a kiss to them.

If there is one thing I would not have considered in this situation, it was Tatania. How perfectly I was acting, exactly how she wanted and expected. Of course this was never part of her plan, my falling in love with Dimitri or him dying and coming back. She didn't like Adrian and I together because she thought I was a rebellious, slutty Dhampir who would ruin his reputation.

Well, that was exactly who I was. Fortunately for her, she was getting what she wanted because outwardly I wasn't acting like that (that anyone knew). I was kissing Adrian's cheek and telling him not to discuss private matters in public. I was telling him we couldn't be anything serious. I was acting like a royal.

And this would make Adrian hate me.

I would have to make him forget all the things that happened in public, show him how horrible I could be, how untamed. Because Adrian may do well pretending he was a posh royal when the adults were around but when he was judging a friend he wanted someone he thought was _real_. The real Rose Hathaway didn't act like a royal.

Who knew any good could come from thinking about the queen?

Adrian avoided making eye contact at lunch, unlike Christian who never missed an opportunity to scrutinize me. Lissa smiled and pulled him in for a kiss to distract him when I started glaring back at him.

"So, Rose, I sense trouble in paradise?" Eddie started, tilting his head towards Adrian.

"Why's that?" I asked, copying his head tilt.

He smiled, "You never sit together, I'm always in the middle, and you don't talk like lovers do."

I laughed, "Like lovers do? Well. I wouldn't say trouble, it's more like..." I leaned in and smirked as I whispered, "Haven't-had-any-time-together-in-awhile syndrome."

"Ah." Eddie said, wiggling his eyebrows, "Christian seems to have the same problem."

I laughed and got up, sauntering over to get a bottle of water and back to the table. Then it occurred to me what Eddie had said and I walked over to Adrian instead of my seat. He was too busy ignoring me to protest when I plonked down into his lap.

"Hey," I greeted, smiling sweetly up at him.

Her watched me for a moment, contemplating. "Rose, you smell like forest."

I laughed, because what sort of a greeting is that? Then he was sniffing my hair and scrunching up his nose and laughing. I knew why I smelt like forest, I'd been living in one, but Adrian couldn't find that out.

"Well, I do shower you know." I replied smiling.

"With actual soap?" He questioned, amused.

"Yes. But if you want you can show me your soap tonight I'll see if it's the same as mine." I said winking.

"Okay." He said letting his grin drop slightly, showing me he was still displeased with me.

"I'll come back to your room after dinner, okay? I want to go for a run after school." I said, smiling.

He started nodding and I leaned in and kissed him slowly, before he pulled back and gave me a knowing look.

"Alright! I get it! No kissing until we talk." I said, holding my hands up in surrender.

He sighed, ending the conversation.

Class ended and it only took minutes for me to find my way into Dimitri's arms.

"This is early; the bell only went a few minutes ago." He smiled.

"Well, I have to stay in my room tonight so I came to apologise and convince you that I still love you and I'm not abandoning you."I said, clasping his hand.

"I guess it was inevitable. But you'll come back tomorrow?" Dimitri asked, guardian mask in place.

"Yes. I would never leave you out here to survive by yourself for more than forty-eight hours. Speaking of surviving, are you okay?" I asked, smiling and playing with his hair.

"Of course, I'm still here." With his guardian mask still in place, the unspoken words seemed even louder as they echoed around us: _For now I'm here, but I'm not okay, I'm barely Dimitri._

Which should be fine because I was barely Rose anymore, if deceit and abandon were my only ways of coping.

I ran my fingertips down the side of his face, "I will always love you, no matter what." Then I stood up and took a long look at him, his deep brown eyes, his soft hair, his strong and gentle nature was obvious in the way he held himself. I knew I was a horrible person, I also knew that I wasn't going to change that now.

I leaned down and kissed him slowly, savouring the taste of him.

Turning away I opened the door and left, resenting the soft thud it made when it closed. Resenting the muffled way it made Dimitri's voice sound when he spoke.

"I love you, Rose. Goodnight."

Love doesn't conquer all and when you ended up loving two people it just gets messy. Especially when you loved one of them more than the other but wouldn't think of giving up either.

As I was passing through the commons Cameron came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, whispering,

"Hey Rose."

"Hands off, I'm on my way to my _boyfriend_. Maybe you've forgotten how many times we've been over this?"

"Someday, Rose."

I started to walk off and then turned over my shoulder and whispered, "Maybe."

Cameron laughed, "I think I've nearly figured you out, Rosemarie."

"Figure out what my name is."

I cleared my head on the way to Adrian's apartment; I needed to work things out with him.

Adrian answered the door with his usual charm,

"I don't care, you can leave now."

"What?" I asked, stopping in my tracks.

"I don't care about your explanations, Rose. Enough is enough, already." He sighed.

"Let's talk, now." I said, pushing past him and closing the door behind me. "I love you, Adrian. I'm not using you; I'm here because I care about you. I tell everyone you're my boyfriend. It's not a secret. So, now I have nothing left to give you, Adrian. That's it. That should be_ enough_."

Adrian shook his head slowly, forever watching me with those beautiful green eyes. He couldn't still be refusing to believe there was a hope for us.

Finally he spoke, "I suppose your right. Just tell me one thing: What changed? Because suddenly I'm seeing you grinning, wearing miniskirts and doing anything to break the dress code. Before that... well, I was just getting used to the way your eyes stop sparkling and how you learnt to get lost in a crowd. It was finally starting to sink in: I can't do anything to help this girl I love, she will forever have this lost, despondent look on her face even when she's smiling. So what changed?"

"I... I just saw that there was a future. I wanted to have some fun after everything that's happened, you know, _life will go on_. Dimitri would have wanted that, maybe he would have disapproved of the fun part though..." I gave him a small smile, realising that talking in past tense about Dimitri didn't feel like a lie. In some way, he was gone.

"You... should... This isn't what I expected, Rose." He says, walking over to the window and looking out.

"Let's just forget everything that's happened. This is teenage love, after all. It's different – you know it won't last forever but if anyone asks you swear it will because that's what teenagers do." I offer.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay." He repeats.

* * *

**A/N**: It was worth the wait, I hope. Sorry for any mistakes, still looking for a beta. Review if you think the story is worth it.


	3. Me, if Only for a Moment

Hey,

I would be killing me right now, but then I would figure out at the last second that then there would be no more Dimitri- Adrian- Rose love triangle. So I would torture me with emails and reviews saying to update.

But anyway, to prove that I understand the full extent of my bad-author-ness I will even tell you the last time I updated. And it's a cool date. 10/10/10. This was over a month ago... Please don't hate me!

I've been writing ahead and not, you know, writing what needs to happen next.

* * *

_Chapter 3_

_Song: All these things that I've done_

_I really shouldn't have done that. _When I woke up the next morning the sun was still shining. It was two in the morning for 's. Classes wouldn't start for hours and no one else would be awake. No matter what the time of day though, no one would be able to contemplate why I was ruining my life; how it made sense. Even I couldn't make myself think about it – it hurt too much.

When I cleared my mind, I could still feel an urge so strong it was almost painful. I _needed _to see Dimitri. It was so early I was sure to wake him but also to make it across campus unseen. I could creep out of my dorm, past the quad and into the woods. Into Dimitri's arms.

The campus was silent in the distance as I stood outside the cabin. Through the small window I could see him sprawled on the bed, too long for it. He rolled onto his stomach; eyebrows scrunched together and hit his hand down on the bed beside his head.

_I thought my life was hell_... How could I leave him alone all the time? This was my Dimitri, how many times had he saved me? Now I was cheating on him and generally acting like a bad person. I wanted to disappear, away from all this mess that I'd created. Disappearing wasn't part of my erratic plan.

Sighing, I slowly pushed open the door and silently shut it behind me. Dimitri was asleep with his head buried in a pillow now.

"Oh, Dimitri," I whispered, padding over to the bed. I sat down on the very edge and combed my fingers lightly through his hair. His hands were scrunched into fists and he was making the most heart wrenching, quiet, pained noise. I could barely hear it even in this silent cabin yet it echoed in my mind, becoming indented in my memory eternally.

"Shh.." I said, softly shaking his shoulder, "Come on Dimitri, it's me, you're alright. It's just a dream. You're alright." He turned his face slightly to the side and I kissed his temple, "Shh, it's okay."

When he finally rolled over to face me, his eyes were tortured. "Rose? Why are you here?" He whispered voice shaky.

"I've always been into older guys." I joked, trying to smile. "I couldn't sleep, I missed you, and I love you."

"Mm..." He groaned, shaking his head, "Sorry, it's not you. I was just... sleeping and..."

"It's okay. You're alright now." I reassured him, pulling him close to me in a tight hug.

"I wish none of this had ever happened." He whispered into my hair.

"It doesn't matter, we're together now."

We stayed like that for a long time as Dimitri composed himself, I spent the time enjoying the smell of him, finally back in my arms. The silence sunk into my bones, safe and comforting.

"You must be tired, let's get some rest." His voice seemed out of place but still so beautiful.

"Are you sure?" I asked, concerned that his nightmare would return.

"Yes, you keep the nightmares away." He admitted, his deep brown eyes trained on mine.

"I love you. Seriously." I told him and he gave me one of his rare, enchanting smiles. A wave of exhaustion came over me and I realised how much sleep I'd missed in the last few days.

When I woke up again I realised I was late for school, I had to hurry to get there before lunch started or my friends would be suspicious.

"I have to go, sorry! School! I love you," I told Dimitri, hastily kissing him and running toward the door, "I'll be back in a few hours."

He rubbed his eyes, "Oh, bye. Have a good day and learn something..."

I sprinted to the cafeteria, deciding it was too late for the defence strategies class I should have been in. I sat at our usual table and waited for the bell go and my friends to arrive.

"You're early; no one else is even here." Adrian said from behind me.

"Oh; hey! What are you up to?" I asked smiling brightly at him.

"I was just at the feeder, beating the rush of young Moroi, you know. Did you get kicked out of class?" He teased.

"Nope, I was hoping I could pretend I didn't sleep in and miss morning classes but... you've found me!" I laughed.

He sat down and smoothed his fingers through my hair. I hadn't realised it was so frazzled - just like my life. "You might want to look a little less 'I-just-woke-up' for that plan to succeed." He said smiling. It was so easy with Adrian, he smiled and made me laugh and he didn't have all this excess. He was safe yet completely dangerous.

I stood up and straightened my clothes, combing my fingers through my hair, "Better?"

He smiled genuinely, "Gorgeous."

I laughed again, "Thank you."

I sat back down and leaned into him, kissing him back when he leaned down, letting him take my hand and squeezing his hand back when he smiled at me.

Slowly the cafeteria began to fill up, nobody caring about Adrian and I. When Eddie sat down with his tray followed by Lissa and Christian we greeted them and then went to get our lunch trays.

Christian scrutinized me for a moment before his attention returned to Lissa, who smiled up at me, glanced at Adrian's hand in mine and looked delighted.

Cameron raised his eye brows when we passed him, giving Adrian a glance and shaking his head. Mouthing 'not him' to me.

I turned back to Adrian and laughed at his joke at the right moment. Noticed his sharp teeth when he smiled widely at me. Couldn't deny the feeling at seeing them – desire. Refused myself the idea just as Adrian had refused to do more than kiss me since the night he had bitten me.

The next few days passed similarly – seeing Dimitri late at night, spending the days with Lissa when I wasn't in class, the afternoons with Adrian. Nothing and Everything happened. So much was going on, but I stayed exactly where I was. Seeing Dimitri broke my heart, Adrian was like the paracetamol that pretends to heal the pain but only masks it. Dimitri was the only one who could heal the damage and he seemed too broken to try right now.

I would find him sitting frozen on one of the kitchen chairs when I came back, no evidence if he'd even eaten. Dimitri had liked everything kept perfectly clean in his room at the academy; I had no idea if he tied up after he cooked and moved around the cabin or if he simply did nothing. The sheets of the bed were usually twisted and shoved aside but everything else was perfectly in place. Every time I came back and made food, not one of my talents, gave him some and put the leftovers in the fridge. I knew he could cook but I wanted it to be there for him anyway.

"Rose," he said to me one morning as I made him a coffee, "How are you?"

It sounded so much like something the old Dimitri would have said that I smiled but couldn't lie, not to this Dimitri. "You don't want to know, I'm not a good person and you deserve better. Still, you love me as I love you."

He tilted his head to the side, considering, "You're the best person I've ever met. Nothing will stop me loving you. Let alone you being a bad person – I've been the worst."

"You must have had a horrible time meeting all those heartless people." I said with my back to him.

"Rose, everything is going to turn out okay. You have a whole future ahead of you. Don't think like that, you are amazing and nobody would say differently. Stop feeling guilty about things that aren't your fault. I can't help you anymore than that; I don't know what's going on in your world. But Christian can help you, I know I keep saying it but he healed Lissa, he survived Spokane and helped save everyone. He understands you and he cares enough to help." Dimitri said, in one of the few moments that he has the strength to be my Dimitri.

"Christian isn't very Zen." I stated, grinning over my shoulder at him.

He sighed, smiling and shaking his head.

I went back to making the coffee and by the time I'd brought him a mug I could see the shadows creeping over him again.

I pulled my hair into a pony tail and told him I'd be back, kissing him goodbye.

"I love you, Rose. Just talk to Christian." He said resignedly.

"When I come back we're sorting this place out for you. Oh, there are leftovers in the fridge!" I said smiling and walking out the door.

* * *

A/N: Lots to happen in the next chapter, I'm trying to make every chapter important and essential to the story instead of babbling on. I must admit that I'm impressed with how well it's actually working.

Important Question:

In your honest opinion, do you think I should get a beta?

Don't be worried about my feelings, I won't be hurt and if I hate you it'll only last for an hour. So, tell me the truth.

Who's loving Cameron? Hmm?

xx G.


	4. Til Then I Walk Alone

A/N: I apologised, no need to punish me with not reviewing.

I was waiting for someone to answer my question – Do you think I should get a beta? – and I'm still waiting... but...

This chapter is for kinanbon x3 – she's reviews and she's awesome. I don't know if she has any stories for you to read and review, but go find out. Seriously. I will. Go. Now. And you better review!

Ps. My question remains unanswered. Next post remains un-uploaded. Think about it.

* * *

Chapter 4

_Til Then I Walk Alone_

_Song: Boulevard of broken dreams by Green Day_

_I walk a line, on the border line on the edge and where I walk alone.  
My shadows the only one who walks beside me,  
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating._

* * *

After starting the day late, I'm not really here, yet everyone else seems to be able to understand everything in their lives.

Finally, all the things I've wanted for so long have come together, so why do I feel so broken still? Adrian has forgiven me, I have Dimitri back and I've caught up in school.

I stand up; ignoring the conversation I was pretending to be a part of at our cafeteria table. I was on my own high from the renewed attention of the school, the danger of being with two men at once. Now, what's really going on is starting to hit me, like shattering the illusion of a window that turns out to be a painting blocking the light. I can't bare it; I have the overwhelming urge to scream. Keeping up pretences all day and worrying about Dimitri, I've exhausted myself. Before I can do anything alarming, my mind warns me to keep acting for the sake of my friends. I can feel Christian gaze on me, a frustrating constant in my life. So, I turn with a polite smile to the group and excuse myself.

I'm halfway across campus before I realise that I'm heading to Dimitri. Not that I don't want to see him, but I was trying to find a quiet escape, alone - Which the cabin had always provided. I turn and find myself in the small patch of grass on the other end of campus, where Adrian brought me for picnics. Sinking into the soft grass, I can finally let go of everything. All the tears, the screams and faked emotions slowly unravel me, until I'm left with my head on my knees and nothing but a numb sensation taking over.

When I return to the group – just before the bell – Christian offers me an unexpected, small smile, so tired and pitying that I could swear he knew what had just happened. But I'm a puppet again, pulled by strings that react in the way people will expect. Laughing at a joke, nodding as they complain about assignments and kissing Adrian's cheek when he pulls me into a goodbye hug. Hiding the pull I feel to Adrian's teeth when he smiles and all other emotions that could possibly mean anything.

At the end of the day I'm heading to the church attic, to find Christian. I know Lissa's practicing spirit with Adrian and that he isn't with her. Someone jogs up behind me, taking my hand and pulling me off the pathway. I see Cameron's smirk, but there's never any sincerity in his eyes. I sigh, the puppet strings controlling me letting me free, leaving me without the perfect reaction to a question or action. And I find that I could care less. I'm just too tired right now to worry about anything, much less talking to Cameron.

"Rose, how've you been?" He asks, caressing my cheek.

I pull away from his touch, shaking my head. "I have a boyfriend. Just leave me alone."

"But you don't really want that, do you? You need someone you don't care about around, someone you can use. You need an escape. What from? I don't know you any better than your boyfriend does, I don't have any idea why you're so desperate to run off. Adrian Ivashkov?" He scoffs, shaking his head, "No, you're using him too, because you can't let him have the chance to use you. Can't be broken again. So, who made you like this, Rosemarie?" He shakes his head again.

"What the hell are you talking about? I love Adrian, just because you're too shallow to know what that's like doesn't mean you can start making up stories about me. And, by the way, stop stalking me." I state, agitated.

He smiles and moves away from me, "Whenever you want to admit you need an escape, I know a terrible one." He winks and disappears back into the commons.

I sigh, far too alone in this huge school to be able to share anything with anyone, even Christian.

When I do get to the church attic though, Christian isn't there and I use Lissa and Christian's hideout for the peace it brings.

I hear a sigh, "You haven't been here before, and so I'm guessing that you are mad at me for something." Christian moves away from the ladder, waving his hands in a 'bring it on' motion.

"What?" I ask, pulled from my unawareness.

"I've known you for long enough to figure out that the only reason you'd be looking for me was if I'd done something to upset you or Lissa. So...?" He asks, smirking.

"No, you haven't done anything... I just needed some quiet and someone told me you were a good person to talk to." I say, looking out the window with a sad smile. Under my breath I add, "Forced to talk to."

He gives me a strange look and sits on the chair closest to the window seat where I am. "You haven't told Lissa something's wrong." I know he's wondering why him, why not Lissa.

"She's happy... and I don't feel right ruining that after everything." I state.

"So...you want to talk?" He asks carefully.

"I like the quiet." I tell him, still focused out the window.

"Oh... Should I leave?" He seems offended by the idea of leaving, probably because it's his 'place'.

"No. I should talk to you, they say talking helps, right?" I ask after a minute.

"Apparently." He says, leaning back in the old chair.

But even with him right there, I still can't shake the feeling that I'm all alone in this...No, I can't tell him today, I'm too tired.

"I'm really tired... too tired. Don't worry about it; I'm going to go to bed early. Tell Adrian that if he comes by my room later, he better not wake me up." I close my eyes, take a deep breath and leave this haven.

Because it's not my haven, the cabin is.

Dimitri isn't worried when I come in, tell him to wake me up at dinner time and collapse on the bed.

"Sweet dreams, Roza."

When I wake up his warms arms are around me and he's whispering my name. My eyelids are still heavy but I force myself to open them and let him pull me into a sitting position against him.

"It's dinner time." He states, giving me a half smile – which is something from my serious Dimitri.

"Oh okay, sorry we couldn't spend more time together." I tell him, yawning.

"It's fine." He replies immediately.

"You know I miss you all day, I love you so much. I'm really sorry about this, I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" My eyes plead with him to understand and he does.

"Of course, I love you too." He gives me a soft kiss before shooing me to dinner.

I can easily slip into the dhampir dorms without anyone noticing because everyone's in the cafeteria, so I go up to my room and crawl into bed, letting sleep overtake me.

I wake up slightly to someone kissing my cheek, I can smell Adrian and somehow that eases me back into unconsciousness. As I drift off I hear him murmuring quietly to me, stroking my hair out of my face and sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Sleep well, darling, everything will be alright in the morning. I love you, my Little Dhampir..."

When I wake up, I'm alone again but it's my alarm waking me up. For the first day this week, I get to breakfast on time.

Which is where I discover that four people have realised that everything isn't sunshine and short skirts since yesterday morning. I was feeling so alone and insecure yesterday and today I've got four men all giving me knowing looks and taking notice of everything. Even the slightest frown wouldn't get past them. I've nicknamed the scrutinizing group ACDC, although they have nothing to do with the band.

A for Adrian – the caring lover.

C for Christian – the annoying, over-observant, _great_, listener.

D for Dimitri – the broken beloved.

C for Cameron – the stalker / player with cruel intentions.

It just makes it so much easier to remember not to slip up and say anything depressed like 'God, I hate myself in this shirt, it's just so green.' Beware the ACDC.

"I hope I didn't wake you up last night." Adrian says, smiling.

"No, I heard you come in but I was so tired I couldn't bother opening my eyes." I say, reflecting his smile back at him.

"You had a long day, I'm assuming, did the sleep do you any good?" Christian asks, raising his eyebrows.

My smile never falters, throughout the whole interrogation – oops, I meant _conversation_. Even when I notice Cameron shooting me meaningful looks and doing the 'call me' signal.

It's just when I'm alone that the facade falters and I blame it on the broken beloved. Because no matter how hard I try, I'm brought straight back to his face that night he was crying.

_I kept screaming. He pushed his face into my neck, trying not to hear. I felt his tears on my neck, his chest shaking from crying. He wrapped his arms around me tighter, whispering something about wishing I could forgive him. I watched him shocked by his vulnerability. He clutched my t-shirt, breathing in my scent as he cried. I wrapped my arms around him, stroking my fingers through his soft hair. He kept whispering how sorry he was._

Then I have to fight with my heart as it urges me to run back to his arms, to be protected and to protect.

"Rose?" Lissa asks, knocking on my bedroom door after school.

"Yeah?" I say, opening the door.

"Hey, we haven't talked much recently, could you give up your before dinner dose of Adrian to talk to your lonely best friend?" She jokes, smiling.

I laugh, following her into the room and throwing myself on the bed. "What's up?"

"You're so busy now with Adrian, I missed this. How is that going by the way, you and Adrian?" She asked.

"I don't know - he's just... serious. He's Adrian Ivashkov, you know him. Obviously this wasn't what I expected. I'm not unhappy with it, of course. I love it but sometimes I wish he'd stop caring so much. What kind of party boy sneaks into your room at night just to check on you and say goodnight? It confuses me a little." I shrug, like this is the biggest problem I have to deal with.

She grins, "I never thought I'd see the day when you were brought into a serious relationship, much less with an Ivashkov."

"I know!"

We talked until dinner about girly things, namely Adrian and I with some mentions of how great Christian was (by Lissa). It made me want to be the Rose I had been, ruthless and _fun_.

* * *

Before you review, which I know you will cause the next chapter is delicious and waiting to be posted...

I've got a blog, which is (shockingly) better than this story, so go to my profile and get the link.

The blog has good things like book reviews, FANFICTION chats, writing tips etc etc... It also gives you hints about all my stories. And tell you stuff you shouldn't know. Got it? As in... Who will Rose Choose.

xx G. Who you're about to REVIEW.

Btw, It doesn't really say who she will choose. I don't plan on her choosing any time soon... but if that changes, read it first on the blog ;)


	5. Killing ACDC

A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. This week I'm trialling something, so I'll be posting a lot more but also writing a lot more stories. Maybe making some you tube videos about fanfics. For all the details go to my blog .com and read the latest post. You're all welcome to join the trial with me, just pm me!

Thanks everyone, xx G.

Chapter 5

Song: Break your Heart by Taio Cruz_  
Poker Face by Lady Gaga _could also be used_._

Killing ACDC

I tried to warn them.

"I'm not such a good influence." I told Eddie when he asked me for tips in advanced defence training.

"You might regret loving me..." I whispered to Adrian after he had just agreed that he loved me too.

"I'm going to smash your face if you don't stop stalking me." I threatened Cameron the fifth time I saw him standing somewhere that happened to be in my way.

"You're going to get sick if you don't start living when I'm not here." I admonished Dimitri with a hug.

And Christian, I think the head shakes every time I caught him giving me knowing looks or dropping hints about talking to him were sufficient.

"Relationships that start off badly don't end well, you have to be committed from the start – there's no _learning_ to love." I told the group at lunch.

I stopped trying to tell them though, I needed to have fun and anyone who was still here would end up as fall out. I was surviving on destruction.

But I couldn't openly display this new coping mechanism; I was covert in my devastation.

It started so slowly I couldn't even see the tiny fractures that appeared in their hearts.

"I remember when we bought this dress!" Lissa said laughing in my room as she went through my wardrobe.

"Mm, I remember your face when I wanted these shirts..." I told her grinning and pointed out a few plain, thermal shirts hanging there.

Adrian, Christian and Eddie were sitting around on the floor, discussing something or rather.I noticed Adrian listening to our conversation and grinned to myself.

"Yeah and don't think I haven't figured it out! I should have seen it from the start, the way you looked at him in Kirova's office. But when I asked you about buying that black dress and you refused to try it on, I say you glance at him and he smiled. That's when you agreed to buy it. I don't think I saw him smile more than twice the entire time I knew him!" She laughed, remembering.

I smiled, nodding, "I would have bought anything to see that smile. Oh, God, I miss his smile. You should have seen it when he saw me _in _the dress."

I heard Adrian cough.

"You sure know how to turn heads, Rose. Every guy at that dance noticed you in your little black dress." Eddie joined in grinning, then added, "And liked what they saw."

Christian gave his trade mark smirk, "You going and beating Mia up didn't help their girlfriends either."

I glanced over, saw Adrian looking at me and gave him a man-eater grin. _Today, I tore you apart, still love me?_

He smiled back at me but I could see the hurt in his eyes.

"Yes, well, I've had a lot of good times in that dress. If I do remember correctly I was wearing it when you hid from Dimitri to go save Lissa." I told Christian.

"Took you long enough to realize Lissa was gone and tell them to get me out of that attic." He teased back.

I smile, "I was preoccupied... Then when I did notice, the guardians wouldn't believe me, even when Dimitri yelled at them."

Eddie laughed with me at the thought of Dimitri yelling, anyone who knew him would be able to guess how scary him yelling was. Unfortunately, I knew of a much scarier thing, Dimitri crying.

Adrian cringed slightly when Dimitri's name was mentioned; he could put the pieces together: I was preoccupied... Dimitri was there when I noticed Lissa was gone.

"Oh, wait, you weren't wearing the black dress when I was in the car, you had on that T-shirt, the one with all the writing that wasn't in English. I remember because I was trying to read it." Christian said looking up triumphantly, like remembering this gave him an advantage over me.

"I had the black dress on underneath." I tell him in an equally triumphant voice.

"Does it matter?" Lissa says laughing. Christian and I join in when we realize it doesn't.

Adrian's mouth is slightly open, like he's just remembered something and he stands up too quickly. "I have to go." He states, already at the door.

"Oh?" I ask, smirking.

He gives me a pained look and shakes his head, "I've got to get some air." His eyes tell the truth – 'I can't bare this conversation.'

Goodbye, Caring Lover, looks like you're all torn up with this revelation.

Christian's giving me a knowing, disappointed look again, glancing at Adrian's retreating form and back at my smirk.

"Christian, you should go to the attic before dinner, wouldn't want someone to think you've gone Strigoi." I said sweetly.

Christian frowns and comes to give Lissa a hug, "Eddie and I should give you and Rose a chance to talk." He turns to me like a parent who's been let down by their child's behaviour and shakes his head, "At least have enough respect for Dimitri not to make jokes about becoming Strigoi."

"He's as dead to our world as you and your aunt are; why would he need the respect?" I say in a low voice, glaring at him.

Christian may not mind how everyone ignores him but his Aunt, Tasha, has always wanted to be heard. As his only family, he's always been bothered by how people treat her.

Burning over there, annoying, over-observant listener?

If Dimitri had heard that he'd be destroyed, might as well take out the broken beloved from this carnage. He doesn't have to hear it for the damage to be done.

Christian and Eddie walk out, Pyro making sure the door slams shut.

"Christian didn't do anything to deserve that. What the hell are you thinking, Rose?" Lissa demands angrily.

"I need to ruin ACDC, so I can finally get some peace." I murmur softly, walking out of the room to find Cameron.

Sure enough, he was leaning against a pillar next to the cafeteria doors.

"Rosemarie." He greeted.

"Cameron, I'm sure you've heard of Jesse and Ralf? I don't need Mason to find a way to destroy someone, I can do it all by myself. I'll show you."

"Threats, Rose?" He said, laughing.

"Just tell your mother I say hi, Sarcozy."

"You're not as vicious as you were before you and Lissa ran away, Rose. Why don't you just give in?" He asked, sighing.

"How can I put this? You're not that important... or popular. Being royal is all you have. Watch me take it away." I tell him, tossing my hair and leaving him there.

He's not a player; he's just a stalker with cruel intentions. He's just someone who shouldn't have flicked that first domino because the rest fall quickly and all the damage is on him.

How stupid would I be not to have noticed who he was sitting with when he grabbed my wrist at breakfast this morning?

I'm going all the way; they shouldn't have tried to get in my way. _All the way..._


	6. The Broken

_A/N: __It's a short chapter, sorry! I'll be posting again so soon that you won't even have time to mind. Unless, of course, you hate this chapter or the next. Then tell me. Please. I'll fix it if you tell me. This will involve reviewing. _

* * *

_Chapter 6:_

_Song: All for Believing by Missy Higgins_

_In the words of modern philosopher Katy Perry: "After a Hurricane comes a Rainbow."_

* * *

The Broken

"Dimitri?"

"I promise I will follow you wherever you choose to go," He breathed into my ear.

"I... I wish you could." I whispered back, with my eyes closed to the darkness. He could never really follow me, could never really have a future. Yet I would never be able to tell him to go or accept his absence in my life – it would ruin me.

I felt him nod behind me, believe that we were over: I felt him truly die. I couldn't let that happen.

"No, never, don't leave." I told him firmly, "That's not what I meant. Just, don't leave me."

"But?" He asked sadly.

"We have a lot of damage to sort out... and a lot of things are going to happen that we can't control. We have to be prepared for what's to come. Then there will be nothing left, at all."

In the darkness, far from reality or an escape, we sighed. How could all our dreams come to this?

Dimitri deserved better. Whoever was supposed to control the universe, whatever God was out there – I wanted no part in it. This was a hopeless case.

"We can't plan everything tonight, my Roza. Could you really handle discussing everything that's happened in the last few months right now? All of it? No, let's just take baby steps." He caressed my back and made that soft noise parents make when they see their child falling and can't stop it.

"How?" I asked, completely lost and afraid of things I couldn't name.

"How about we get ourselves together before we worry about the future? My world has been entirely shattered, who I am barely remains. Every day I see this ghost of happiness in your eyes and I want to make all the pain go away. I voluntarily killed people in the woods before you came to find me, I can never undo that. I was a guardian, now I can't even let people know I'm alive. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I can't sleep. You're the only thing making it better."

Wow – I wanted to wrap my arms around him and never let go. I wanted to protect him from himself. "You are amazing and beautiful; don't feel guilty because it's not your fault. None of it is. After all the times you've saved me, I'm certified to judge. You're a hero; please don't treat yourself like a monster."

"Thank you Rose, I try to take in what you're saying, it's not sinking in but I'm trying. I trust you. Can you trust me? You're not fine. So, honestly, what's going on?" His warm arms wrapped around me.

"I forget how good you are at this. You have always known the solution to every problem with your Zen lessons. That first night, you knew me better than even Lissa. But all the things I've done, I really am to blame. Your life was stolen and I purposely lost mine. I'm the masochist – you are just a victim. Everything that I've done is my fault." I leaned back against his strong chest, realizing that he was the only person I was ashamed to tell what I had done.

Though he'd never let me be ashamed of anything.

"It's not all your fault, you were going through hell." He counselled, "You can tell me all the sins you've blamed yourself for and I would still be here refusing to let you take responsibility for them. I care about it all though, I will always listen." He said into my hair, kissing my forehead.

"You say that now, but you'll never forgive me. I swear I'll never forgive myself." I replied, voice deadly calm.

"I know you're still with Adrian. I understand. If you don't want to talk about it now, that's fine. I think it would be good to talk about it sometime." He watched me for a moment and then turned to stare out the window. "Even if you don't want to talk to me, you still have friends, right?" He added.

"I suppose." _No, I destroyed them all._

His arms wrapped around me from behind, "You will always have Lissa and I. Have you spoken to Christian?"

"No."

He sighed into my neck, "Promise me that tomorrow you'll talk to Christian about what's been going on - The endorphins or the pain or something of consequence. Please, Rose."

When I didn't answer he started trailing kisses up my neck slowly, whispering my name and making my toes tingle while he tortured an answer out of me.

"I promise! I'll go talk to Christian _tomorrow_." I assured him when I could no longer resist.

"Yes, tomorrow." He agreed in a heavy Russian accent.

"Mm..." Turning around to face him I moved to my tiptoes and let my mouth move slowly against his.

He gracefully guided us to the bed where we lay tangled together for a moment before he started massaging his hands from my shoulders to my feet and back up to my hair, leaving kisses in his wake.

He paused for a moment, a serious glint in his lust filled eyes but before he could talk I grinned, "Don't you dare stop, Dimitri." I purred his name before shaking out my hair – his kryptonite.

He gave a low laugh, "I wouldn't think of it, my Roza..."

_When faith grows old and life turns cold..._


	7. She's an Actress

Chapter 7:

Song: Don't Trust Me by 3oh!3

_Did I say something about a rainbow? Here comes the hurricane. _

* * *

She's an Actress

Everybody hated me today, unconditionally and unreasonably. Except Dimitri, who had been half awake when I left him this morning. It wasn't bothering me at first, I was busy plotting against Cameron – before he had the chance to plot against me. There isn't anything better for a reputation than a good dose of_ mommy_. As the day dragged me along I started to realise that Adrian was being less... caring. I worried about him briefly. Then I remembered how I had to talk to Christian today and started worrying about myself. Needless to say I didn't notice him holding his head in his hands for most of lunch until I zoned into Lissa's thoughts in last period.

Today her kindness was grating on my nerves. Mainly because it wasn't directed at saving me from her boyfriend – understandable considering she didn't know that: a) he hated me and b) I had to talk to him.

_Adrian was sitting at the lunch table, ignoring the conversations around him with his head in his hands. He didn't look up until he noticed the time and hurried off to the feeders. Rose was sitting there staring at Ralf's table while she had an energetic conversation with Eddie. Something about a tribute to Mason's beautiful work and laughing. Christian was sitting beside me being even more brooding than usual. I had thought he was past this. I sighed and tried to talk to him, but he wasn't interested. Everyone was so involved in their own realities today..._

Woah, was not expecting Lissa to pull me into her head to relive lunch. It was a newsflash considering I hadn't noticed any of this happening earlier. Oh well... I guess it just plays into my plan even better. _You're going to regret this..._ a little voice at the back of my head whispered on repeat – a voice that didn't sound like Dimitri or Lissa but sounded entirely like me. _Whatever_, I thought back at it, smiling.

I may have been disjointed and dejected recently, but I was a damned good actress.

In the afternoon I went to find Christian and came up behind him and Adrian talking,

"I don't care, she obviously doesn't. How many times do_ I_ have to be the one to worry about her mental health? You can check her into therapy if you're so worried." Adrian said bitterly, like after he'd had a few drinks.

"She's an actress," Christian replied, _exactly what I was thinking, _"You seriously trust her decisions? Save her before it's too late."

"What are you talking about?" Adrian questioned.

"I've just heard some of the guys talking about her and what a certain person was planning on doing to her. In simple terms: Cameron is seducing Rose, to prove a point. I don't see her resisting." Christian said back sarcastically.

I spun around, I didn't need to talk to that, it would be like getting lectured by God. Could his morals be higher for someone whose parents turned strigoi _willingly_? Dimitri would be concerned if I didn't talk to Christian but after last night, I was over being broken.

"Damn perfection, because it looks a lot like you, Rose Hathaway." Cameron told me when I finally found him in the commons, after I'd gotten changed.

"That's what you say now..." I whispered in his ear, "Meet me in the courtyard in ten minutes?"

Then I walked off, waving the sticky note in my hand at him over my shoulder... if only he could read it. Eddie wrapped an arm around my waist when I ran into him, looking at the sticky note.

"Thank you for this..." I said, nodding at it again.

"No problem, but are you sure about this? I don't think you need to go this far to destroy him. Imagine what it's going to do to Adrian. You seem to be forgetting him and Lissa." _And Dimitri._

"Then fix it later, I love you Eddie but you don't need to worry. My reputation is hardly on the line, but his is." I said smiling and waving my hand nonchalantly.

He seemed concerned even more so now. "You don't need to prove _your_ point here Rose. We already have enough on him to destroy him. You could report him for abuse as it is. Do you really think sleeping with him is going to do _any_ good? It would destroy a few of the rumours we could start, it's not worth it." He said, sighing.

"Whatever, Eddie, I'm doing this." I raised my eye brows and left him there.

I already had the plan. If I ran crying to Cameron about how Adrian was mad at me it would accomplish total destruction. Of my life.

My phone was ringing over and over again as I tried to get my thoughts straight and off what Eddie had said. Finally, I caved, but that didn't mean I was happy.

"What?" I snapped.

"Rose, can you come meet me? There's something urgent I want to discuss with you." Adrian said on the other end, scarily serious.

"I'm kind of in the middle of something, maybe we can talk at dinner?" I said impatiently.

"That's what I feared..." He muttered before clearing his throat, "No, I really need to see you right now. I'll come to you." He said sounding slightly panicked.

"Just make it quick, I'm busy." I sighed, knowing he was already on his way and hanging up.

Why couldn't he just give up? I'd given him a black dress and then had a conversation with all our friends, in front of him, about Dimitri and that same dress.

"Rose, I just talked to Eddie." Adrian said behind me, with Eddie standing a few metres back, smiling apologetically before he turned and left. Damn, he was probably going to get to Cameron before I did.

"Yes?" I said to Adrian, crossing my arms.

"He told me what you're planning on doing." Adrian replied, raising his eyebrows.

"And you're here to stop me." I muttered.

"Yes. What are you thinking? God, Rose. You have a boyfriend! _I'm your boyfriend_... Don't you care about that at all? Just because you take every chance you can get to try to hurt me doesn't mean that I don't count. This is going too far, you'll be hurting yourself more than anyone else. Stop this now." She shook his head, disappointed.

"But... I have to stop Cameron. This isn't to hurt you. I... I have to do this." I said, scrunching up my eyebrows.

"No you don't, you have to stop. Stop hurting everyone around you and pushing them away. Figure out some other way to cope. Everyone's waiting for you at dinner. Come on." He took my hand and tugged me into the cafeteria.

* * *

A/N: Do you hate what I'm doing to this story? It was supposed to be more fun, unlike aftermath. To me it seems like more of the same. Don't worry, I'm fixing it. If you have any ideas for the story or anything you want to see happen, tell me! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, Cameron isn't a main character and I was accidently making him one, so, I changed how I'd planned this chapter. I would appreciate reviews for this chapter, i'm slightly insecure about it. :)

xx G.


	8. He Has The Fire You Lost

A/N: _None of you love me enough to review Last Sacrifice? Or love Richelle Mead enough? Hmm?_ Just pm me if you've read Last Sacrifice, I can be very convincing. Oh and, don't you just _love_ it?

This chapter has been a long time coming, perhaps since Aftermath for some of you. Dimitri has been telling her for a long time to... anyway, just read it.

* * *

Chapter 8

_Song: And The Boys by Angus and Julia Stone_

Here's the problem: I didn't know what was going on. My mind was a mess of jumbled thoughts. Dimitri, Lissa, Adrian, Christian, Cameron... My emotions were blurred – Did I need Adrian or Dimitri to keep me sane? – And I couldn't quite remember why I was so upset. Yes, Cameron was arrogant but that didn't mean I needed to kill him. How could Adrian be helping me after I'd hurt him?

But mainly, I just kept wondering: Why wasn't I back together again? Why was I still so broken after having Dimitri back?

How I let myself agree this situation was unfathomable.

Because I was sitting on Adrian's lap - _in his room!_ – Yet, I was thinking about Dimitri. Not exactly regretting being with Adrian or wishing it was Dimitri, but questioning their actions and mine. Comparing two wonderful people. Even in my ignorant state I could tell that was wrong.

Adrian kissed me, not passionate or forceful but testing. Whether his thoughts were 'is this okay?' or 'do you love me?' I had no idea.

Whatever it was, it felt wonderful and comforting.

As his hands roamed my body, sliding down my side and teasing the back of my knee, I forgot the questions and the answers. I could never predict Adrian's next move and each time his fingertips brushed my skin I fell further from the answers.

His eyes met mine in a silent understanding, we didn't talk about anything deep and we didn't do anything meaningful. And I loved it.

We kissed slowly, relaxing against each other. We laid back on the bed and he combed his fingers through my hair. He whispered the kindest nothings in my ear. I wrapped my arms around him while he studied me. His finger traced the sensitive skin under my eye and he sighed. I sighed too, relishing his touch.

"You're exhausted, sleep." He said softly.

"You'll catch me in my dreams..." I murmured.

"Not tonight, sweet dreams." He kissed me again and then moved us under the covers.

When I woke up, I was surprised to find Adrian clinging to me in his sleep. Adrian who only needed his cigarettes and alcohol: nothing or no one else.

I was wondering how you found yourself again after such a long time when he woke up. He stirred, mumbled senseless words and then buried his face in my shoulder, which I'm sure he had expected to me his pillow because he froze for a second before saying my name.

"Good Morning." I replied, gently tugging on his hair.

Saturday, finally a break from the distraction of classes, teachers who strived to hold your attention for a whole six hours. Adrian and I continued from last night as we started getting dressed – incredibly slowly – with more of his long, careful kisses. He certainly had mastered this art; I hated to think what others he had picked up with his _experience_. Actually, I thought, what had Dimitri been doing before he met me? Obviously he wasn't as practiced at such things as Adrian, he was too committed to his work, but he must have been with other women. He was just too amazingly sexy to have not. There was that age difference again.

We made a late appearance at breakfast, which seemed to evoke relieved sighs from our entire table of friends. I hated to admit it, but talking to Christian didn't seem so bad today. Sure, he acted like he hated me and I was purposely mean to him most of the time. Then he would do something kind to protect me – like talking to Adrian yesterday – or just generally know me better than I expected. He was almost as good as Lissa at reading me, not that she had been doing very well recently.

"Hey Liss." I slid in beside her, giving her a quick hug.

"Rose!" She said excitedly and then added in a whisper, "You and Adrian? You're telling me about this later!"

"_Later_..." I said giving her a significant look.

She laughed, "I get it, not in front of other people."

Adrian raised an eyebrow – which was a skill I envied – and took my hand.

"What are you up to today?" I asked him casually.

"I don't know - did we have plans?" He said, giving me his devil-may-care grin.

"I have to do a few things... privately. Lissa wants to talk and there are a few other people I want to talk to – not Cameron – while I have the time. How about we meet here for lunch?" Cameron was, in my mind, the reason I had dived over the edge and stopped being myself. Eddie had gotten to him before me and had a '_chat'_ with him. Needless to say, he wasn't going to be stalking me or acknowledging my existence anymore. I didn't mind that I hadn't gotten to fulfil _my_ plan; the fight in me was gone. For as far as I'd come in learning self-control, I feared I'd lost it. I needed to regain that balance and composure.

"Sounds good, I have to go to the feeders, have a great day." He murmured, kissing me softly before he stood up.

The group echoed my goodbye and he walked off in that confident, my-life-is-perfect way of his.

When everyone was leaving breakfast I promised to meet up with Lissa after lunch and then hurried to catch Christian's arm before he followed her. "Can we talk somewhere else?"

He sighed, "Sure, Rose. Now you want to talk..." _Why did he always have to be sarcastic?_ "Do you mind if we stop at the feeders on the way? I have an appointment in a few minutes."

"Why don't we just meet up in my room or yours after you're done?" I asked.

The idea of being alone together in one of our dorm rooms seemed to make him uncomfortable, but he agreed to meet in my room. Apparently Lissa would never look for him there. I waited for him in my room, staring out towards the trees and – what only I knew to be - Dimitri. It was surreal, like he didn't really exist. The cabin was a world away from here.

Christian knocked on the door; bring me back to this life.

"Hey." I greeted warmly.

He nodded and walked in, pausing in the middle of the room. I offered him the desk chair before plonking down on my bed, which seemed to be a great relief to him. Although his trademark smirk was there the whole time, I had learned to read his expressions over time.

"So, you wanted to talk?" He started, raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah, well, you're the only one who would really get it and somehow I think you'd be a great listener..." I smiled at the thought of getting to Dimitri in a matter of minutes. I just had to talk to Christian. What was I going to confide in him? Not Dimitri's restoration, perhaps the loss of him. Because, truly, he was lost at the moment and that still caused me pain – it wasn't enough just to have him back physically.

He looked surprised but moved the chair to the side of the bed and nodded for me to continue none the less.

"Recently... I've lost who I am. After Dimitri ...died, the grief was so powerful, it physically hurt. I was taking it out on you guys and that was wrong. Then I tried to be me again, but it didn't work because I've been doing things that the person I want to be wouldn't do. I've hurt a lot of people purposely – you included – to distract myself, to have fun. It was pointless in the end and yesterday made that disturbingly clear. I don't know what to do now; I just want things back the way they were." I said.

"I think the point now is to make sure you don't go back to being the person you've been since he died. Keep being you and eventually it'll be natural." His lips tilted up into what appeared to be a genuine smile while his eyes shone with concern.

Dimitri had said I should talk about the endorphin – what he called – addiction. But somehow, despite pouring my heart out to him moments ago, that seemed too personal to discuss with Christian. I wanted to talk to Dimitri about it, if I had to talk to someone. But I needed to talk to Adrian, he was the one who had the power to fuel my _addiction_ and who understood. I decided to get Christian's perspective. My logic told me not to discuss it with him, but at the same time to ask him who to discuss it with – which would end up with me talking to him about it anyway. So this is why everyone always questions my logic...

"Is there something else going on?" Christian asked.

Pushing aside the urge to ask if he was telepathic, I went back to my decision. "I think I have an endorphin addiction," I cringed at the word and saw Christian look down at his lap uncomfortably, "But..." I trailed off realising that my question would be impossible to ask – he didn't know Dimitri was alive, so how would he know if it was a good idea to talk to him about it?

"Hmm?" Christian asked after a minute of silence.

"Oh. I was wondering if you thought I should talk to Adrian about it." I said slowly, rearranging the words in my mind.

"As opposed to talking to the magical fairy about it." He muttered, smirking – I tried not to laugh at that, now Dimitri had a new nickname – before composing himself. "Well, I don't see you having that conversation with anyone else, including Lissa. And I'm guessing Adrian is the uh... person who, you know... anyway, if he is, you should tell him."

This was a dirty subject in our society so I could understand his trouble in making it sound less sordid. Catching on to what he was saying I hastily added, "He already kind of knows, I think. And he isn't, well, wasn't... It started when Lissa and I were living alone. I thought it hadn't affected me but after Dimitri was gone and I gave up on my future, I started thinking about it again. Adrian's only done it once." Maybe it had been more than once, but the difference was our reputations.

He frowned, "I don't know exactly, but it shouldn't affect you much if it's been that long without frequent bites. It's probably not an addiction; your brain is just using it to cope. If you think you don't want it anymore, you'll stop feeling the physical urge - hopefully. Unless you start getting bitten frequently again. So, yes, talk to Adrian."

"Huh. You're more helpful than I expected." I told him teasingly.

"I'm surprised you trust me, I didn't think I'd ever get through to you." He said in a very wise, brotherly way.

"When did you get so mature?" I laughed and stood up. "Anyway, thank you for this... talk. I think I'll go for a run to think things through some more."

He nodded, gave me a smile and left, "Good luck, Rose."

Finally, I was free to be with Dimitri!


	9. Take Your Turn

Chapter 9:

Song: Russian Roulette by Rihanna – Rose's life is a lot like the game.

I knew it. His first question was 'Did you talk to Christian?'.

"Yes, that's why I didn't come sooner, sorry." I told him.

He studied my face for a moment, in that way he had always done – which meant he could see more than you would guess. "How was it? Want to talk about it?" We knew each other so well.

"Talk about talking to Christian?" I laughed.

He chuckled, eyes dancing with amusement. "Well, he _is_ Christian. There is always a risk when he's involved."

"No, you were right. He was a great person to talk to, really. I was already beginning to see things differently and he just clarified a few things, help me to become sure of my conclusions. I needed that. I have a few more questions I need answered and I need to reinstate my friendship with Lissa. But I'm getting there. Actually, a lot of those questions are for you." I said.

"I'm glad it helped talking to him. So, these questions... should I be worried?" He smiled lovingly at me.

"Maybe. Maybe it's time." I told him seriously, knowing how that must sound – ominous and fake. But it was time that he knew a few things, perhaps it was even time for this game to end. Would he leave me? He must have been able to see through my heart because his smile turned to worried lines. "You know I'm still with Adrian and I hate to do this because I know how it must hurt you but I don't want you to be misinformed. Think of it this way for a moment: Last night I was sleeping in his bed – not sleeping with him though – and he loves me. It's harder to ignore like that, isn't it?"

He closed his eyes for a moment, fighting his internal war or keeping control. "It's just a result of what happened. And I'm prepared to live with that. At least he actually cares about you. Anything to be with you. I care... I just don't think it helps to care. I wonder about it sometimes and I hate him for it. Then I remember it's making you happy and realise I can't fault him that."

I had been going to ask him about his past but I didn't really want to know that Dimitri had had girlfriends – how they'd broken up or how many. Instead I said, "Then I suppose it's your turn for a question."

He spoke quickly, like he was pulling off a bandaid. "Do you want me to be in your life forever? Even though it will be complicated and you'll have to lie to your friends. Despite the shadows and the burden."

This was one of those situations where they're looking for a right answer and if you don't get it, the results end up being worse than you assumed. So I spoke sincerely, hoping that the truth was what he was looking for and not a specific answer. "For as long as I live, I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe. I want to be with you – I'll fight to find a way – but someday it may be safer for us to be apart for awhile. I don't want to imagine what would happen if they found you."

He nodded, not disappointed by my answer although the thought of being apart did form a frown on his face.

"Now, my turn... If I'd slept with Adrian would you hate me? At least ignore me for a few days?" Why was I asking this? I could tell it made him suspicious.

"If I'd slept with Tasha would you hate me?" he asked back, with that look he got when he was about to start talking Zen-crap life-lessons.

I thought about it for a moment before responding, "Depends when it happened... before we met? When we first met? At the ski resort? If it was when we were together I might hold that against you. Okay... I would definitely hold that against you. If we weren't together but you were my mentor, I guess you have bad taste because man, I was right there! You had the comparison!" I grinned at him.

"I would never cheat on you. Adrian... that also depends when it happened. Did you think I was dead? Was it at the ski resort?" He raised an eyebrow before continuing, "Was it recently, when things have been more chaotic? Did this actually happen?"

I laughed, "No, I was curious. What if it had been at the ski resort?"

"Then it was probably my fault... I was pushing you away; you were trying to get my attention. When it didn't work, Adrian was there. I did keep catching you two together; you could say I was curious as well." He smiled, and I felt like I'd found long lost treasure.

"Your turn."

"Why did you come to find me? When I was strigoi?" He looked deep into my eyes, always searching for _something_.

"We had a promise. And I loved you." Whatever it was, he didn't seem to find it.

"I'm always waiting for you to give me a rational answer. Only you would be able to love a strigoi, especially me." He sighed deeply, his eyes darkening.

Desperate to keep him here, I tried to bring him back to the present. "What is the future? Why are you so afraid of living through it?"

He took my hand, voice gentle. "My future is death; I've nothing to look forward to until I die. The two options I have both terrify me: Living with you and living without you. I don't want to live without you, believe me. But living with you comes at such high a cost for you and those around you."

I understood perfectly and that made me feel the fear he had mentioned.

"My turn. Who's a better kisser?" He smiled and kissed me softly, watching my face. Then he put his heart into that kiss and I forgot why my eyes had started to sting and my throat had gone dry. I forgot to be strong. And his arms were there to catch me.

I sighed against him and smiled. "Thank you, for saving me."


	10. Spaghetti Bolognaise

A/N: I intensely dislike me too. I wish I was one of those brilliant people who know how to manage their time. I may not know how to touch type or write genius metaphors but I do have this to give you, this being the rest of the story. You are allowed to hate me for now. But I'm going to make you fall so in love with this story that it'll be receiving Valentine's Day cards on Monday.

Now, I wrote this part of the a/n when I first wrote the chapter, which is why I'm putting it here. I may not still believe it, but writer-me wanted you to know XD. And I quote, "This is some of my finer writing, I know I'm not wasting it on you. The rest of the story will be gaining strength until the big finale. Enjoy!" To me it sounds like a postcard, what do you say?

I want critical reviews. Please?

The last chapter's author's notes didn't work. Sorry about that! Basically I have been outlining and I couldn't find an ending. Thankfully, _kinanbon x3 _was able to help and now it's all planned! She's a genius. Less than ten chapters to go! So, enjoy and don't rush.

* * *

Chapter 10:

Song: Bird on a Wire by _Sarah Blasko_

_Spaghetti Bolognaise _

The cafeteria was normally very opposed to anything like spaghetti bolognaise. It takes effort, it isn't completely healthy and the students may enjoy it. Which is why, seeing Adrian in the middle of a cafeteria filled with mouth-watering aromas and happy teenagers; made perfect sense.

"You didn't –." I started to say as I approached Adrian then stopped when he smirked. "Of course you did."

"You're welcome, Little Dhampir. Don't worry I got yours before they ran out." He pushed a cafeteria tray towards me proudly.

I laughed, "Did you have a good morning, then?"

"I was bored, you were busy... one thing lead to another." He shrugged, smiling mischievously.

"Where are the others?" I asked, twirling the fork around in the pasta while I figured out my next move.

"Ah. Well, part of the reason I had nothing to do was that Lissa was otherwise engaged in her room. I didn't bother knocking but I'm pretty sure Christian won't be coming down to lunch either. Eddie is over there." He gestured to where Eddie was sitting with a group of novices.

"Then we have a chance to talk." I glanced around and found no one listening in.

"Oh?" He said, watching me eat some of the deliciously comforting pasta.

I lowered my voice and sighed. "About the endorphins." He smiled in a way that revealed his sharp teeth and I nodded.

"Maybe we should take this to go, hmm?" He said, taking my tray and walking out of the cafeteria with me right behind him. Once we reached a grassy area behind a courtyard on the other side of campus he stopped. He'd taken me here before, away from everyone. "So, what did you want to discuss exactly?"

I took my tray from him as a distraction, though I knew how important it was to say this seriously. To believe myself. "Did you understand that I may have had an endorphin addiction when we were... together in that way?"

He gave me a curious look, "To answer your very formal question, do you mean when I bit you because you asked for it? I may have had a clue."

"And now, do you understand what happened?"

"Uh- yeah?"

I ate a forkful of pasta and then sighed. "Sorry about being so formal, I just don't know..."

He nodded, "Is that what you wanted to know?"

"No, I wanted to talk to you about it. I don't think it was or is an endorphin addiction. But you were there, so I want your opinion. Then I'll give you mine."

"Well... Rose. You asked me for more straight afterwards and you brought it up without anything to give you the idea. I'm not saying you're to blame, I _bit_ you. I don't know." Adrian said softly, carefully.

"Oh," I said, simply.

"If you want to get off it, you need to stop altogether." He stated, considering me.

I didn't want to stop; I wanted him to bite me right now. I wanted more. Realising this, I wanted to run back to Dimitri and cry in his arms. But that would upset him when he was already haunted by the past. I looked up at Adrian, voice child-like and desperate. "Now would be a good time for a hug."

He smiled slightly, wrapping one arm around me and using his other hand to pass me the fork. After a moment he asked, "What are you thinking?"

"What a mess this is." I replied. His arm was still warm around me but not as safe as it had been yesterday. Because what he could give me would destroy the stability I'd started to regain.

"Don't worry about this. I promise I won't bite you again, no matter how much you want it. Who else is there you'd go to? Lissa or Christian? Nope, I think you're safe. Your pride would stop you."

While I agreed with him; believed he'd stay true to his word, it didn't stop the shaky emotions I felt. Still desperate and disappointed, knowing at some point I wouldn't be able to hold back the tears, I'd be too exhausted to hold up this strength. And thinking about the endorphins made me cold, empty. If only I could compel him to bite me... Perhaps if I found a way to starve him, then he would need me to survive as I needed him to bring joy into my life.

I didn't even realise I was looking at him still, staring into his eyes.

"Stop it. You are not this person. Stop." He demanded with eyes locked on mine. Probably using compulsion but I was grateful regardless. I nodded and he fed me spaghetti. When I was finished eating, he shattered the silence I had held as a close ally. "Better?"

"You're an amazingly good person, Adrian Ivashkov."

"Who deserves to be _rewarded_?" How he could make 'rewarded' sound so dirty was unfathomable.

"Mm... maybe. Right now though," I glanced at my watch, "I was supposed to meet Lissa fifteen minutes ago."

I laughed at the adorable pout-face he was making as he walked me back to the school buildings.

"Will you be at dinner?" He asked as we reached the quad.

"Yeah, of course." I said, smiling lovingly at him.

Then Lissa rounded a corner and found us, her eyes lighting up. "Hey! I was looking for you, Rose. We were meeting in the cafeteria."

I grinned, "Yeah, sorry, didn't notice the time."

Adrian smirked and we both looked at her with stupid, sparkling eyes. She raised an eyebrow and nodded to Adrian before she turned and left.

"I guess that's my cue to follow." I gave Adrian a quick hug and jogged after Lissa.

"Did you have a nice lunch?" Lissa asked once we were seated in the Moroi commons.

"Yes," Without permission, a huge smile spread across my face, "what about you?"

"I skipped lunch in the cafeteria, but the substitute was... _nice_." I definitely didn't want to be in her head – the look on her face was enough. Much more so, that dreamy voice.

"What were you up to this morning?"

"Studying with Adrian via text, he's so much better at spirit than me." She replied.

I laughed, "And I was with your boyfriend, so I guess that makes us even."

She got distracted by my use of the word 'boyfriend' and launched into an interrogation that sounded rehearsed. _'Are you and Adrian together, how serious is this, do you love him? When did this happen, isn't he so in love with you?'_ I really hoped he wasn't because I couldn't commit to loving him. Couldn't learn to love someone just because they loved me. I loved him as a friend and I admitted this to Lissa.

"But he is completely in love with you." She stated.

"I do like him that way; I'm just not in love with him... yet." I smiled and sighed simultaneously at the thought.

I knew she was thinking it shouldn't take this long to know if you loved someone, but then she quickly scolded herself for being so harsh and decided these were unusual circumstances – if only she knew. Her mind was overflowing with curiosity and I could tell without going into her head she was wondering how much she could ask. Had I really slept with Adrian when we turned up late to breakfast together?

"So, you and Adrian are doing well, I know things were a bit rough between you two for awhile...?" She asked instead.

She had picked up on that, huh. I nodded, shrugging and turned the conversation around on her. "How are you and Christian?"

"Perfect." She giggled, young and in love. Not having seen the world's cruelty or having realized fate's existence.

I smiled and listened to her description of the way he cared for her and knew her like a soul mate.

"It's just like when you find a purpose, something you want so passionately - only you already have it. And he wants to be there forever..." Her sentence faded off thoughtfully. "Hey, earlier, did you say you were with Christian this morning?"

"Yep." I replied smirking, I enjoyed her rare surprise.

"But..." Her bottom lip stuck out a bit as her forehead creased. "You hate him."

"No, I don't, I respect what a good heart he has and I also think he can be a major pain-in-the-ass, sometimes. Not this morning. I just needed his help." I said, amused.

With a sad smile I couldn't decipher, she inspired me to look into her head just in time to get the same sad smile on my face. _Sometimes, there it is. Exactly how Dimitri talked to her all those times. Just a hint but still... _Her thoughts trailed off as she moved back onto the topic at hand.

"What would you need Christian's help with?"

"I had a question that I knew he could answer. It's something he does, you know, observing people." I answered vaguely.

"Okay...Well, you're lucky I have something more important to discuss or that answer wouldn't have cut it and you know it." She said, raising an eyebrow.

I nodded for her to continue and she brightened.

"It's your birthday in two weeks! And we haven't planned what we're going to do! Have you forgotten about it? Because seriously, eighteen! This is monumental. We could do a huge party to celebrate how big a thing this is or we could do something small and special with just our friends to show how important it is, since you'll be an adult by guardian standards. So, are we finishing your youth with a bang or beginning your adult-life with a fresh start?" She gushed.

A party that Dimitri couldn't attend, was my first thought. But I pushed that aside knowing this was how it would always be and I needed to get used to it.

"Definitely a new beginning, I've already given this school enough to do with the gossip over the years, I don't need to entertain them anymore." I said, smiling.


	11. Must be a Dream, But I'm Not Asleep

A/N: This is a very long chapter and honestly, I've been working on it for so long I can't remember all the details. So if there's a typo, I'm sorry! Please review, keep reviewing while you still can, there's only about seven chapters left! And the grand finale is in a couple of chapters... Enjoy chapter 11.

Chapter 11: Must be a dream, but I'm not sleeping

Song: _One Two Three Four by Feist_

At dinner I made a decision not to make a decision. It was simple: I loved every second I had with Adrian but I was also in love with Dimitri. Why ruin a good thing by electing every Wednesday; Friday and Sunday to Dimitri, Tuesdays; Thursdays and Saturdays to Adrian and Mondays to homework? It was too systematic, dispassionate. I wasn't a child being shared by divorced parents.

Adrian was massaging the palm of my hand with his thumb as I finished eating and in Lissa's words 'so in love with me.' Stuff little girls dreamed off, that I had never allowed myself to admit to wanting. Fairytales were for the Moroi, not the guardians.

"I'm guessing all went well...?" Christian asked from beside Lissa, who was between us.

"Yes, not that I expected otherwise. He has a good heart." _All the men in my life do._ I replied to Christian, ignoring Lissa's scrutiny.

And I would have answered her mental questions had she not changed path and started thinking about my birthday, again. I guess it was my little revenge not telling her about talking to Christian just then because she was thinking about how Dimitri would have wanted to be there on my eighteenth birthday. Right when Adrian was kissing my hand and whispering how he once learned how to read palms.

"...See? And this line means you have a great love life." He grinned, ever the cheeky and charming Ivashkov.

_He would be so proud; I have to find some way to show her that on her birthday. Maybe I could ask Alberta if she could have his duster... He would have wanted that. _Lissa's thoughts rambled on.

"Lissa, enough, please. Leave it alone for tonight." I told Lissa sternly, with eyebrows raised.

"Oh, sorry... I forget I have no privacy sometimes." She said jokingly.

I nodded and turned back to Adrian, hoping that would give her the message that I was staying out of her head. While Adrian's eyes flickered with concern, it was in his nature to continue being... well, Adrian.

"Though I wasn't taught this part, I'm pretty sure it improves that line." Adrian grinned and kissed me – not the long, languid kisses he usually gave but a kiss that was so hot it screamed 'you are my oxygen, stuff breathing air!' I wondered if I was replying with as much passion, because surely that was impossible, but he was set on my thoughts containing his mouth and only his delicious mouth.

The feeling of falling into the unknown abyss of loving Adrian Ivashkov very slowly and dangerously changing to one of being excited about the fall and what would come.

"You're eyes are so chocolate, it's making my mouth water." He said as we pulled apart.

"I'm going to get some desert... did you want to share some chocolate cake, since you seem to be in the mood for it?" I said teasingly.

"Definitely, though I admit I'd share anything with you if you asked." His smile warmer, brighter now than before.

I stood up and grinned at him, turning to go to the line when Lissa linked her arm with mine and tugged me quickly with her to the feeders.

"Hey! I was getting chocolate cake!" I protested.

"You still are, you're just detouring by the feeders." She smirked, "And of course you want to tell me what Adrian just said that made you both get goofy expressions...?"

"Something about my eyes being so chocolate they made his mouth water. You know Adrian lines."

She laughed quickly, "You are so blind!" She shook her head as if I was stupid, and she was the one smiling to herself, _hypocrite_. "That is not one of Adrian Ivashkov's lines. He isn't a gentleman about what he wants, Rose. His lines don't mention how pretty a girl's eyes are. One of his nicer lines would involve an innuendo about your body parts. But usually, he just comes right out and says it. Sure, he's charming and intelligent about saying he's getting into your pants tonight, I'm not insulting him, just saying that was not one of his lines."

I scoffed, "I'm pretty sure it was. Who walks around saying things like that unless they're trying to get you into bed?"

"Adrian does, come on, Rose. He knows you; you're hardly the type to go sleep with him because he complimented your eyes. And don't give me that look; I'm not saying you're easy. The opposite, you wouldn't sleep with someone for a compliment! He just loves you, so he's gonna tell you anyway!"

"Huh, I never thought of it that way," I said tilting my head to the side and her eyes lit up like I'd finally understood her, "I guess I'm not the compliment type. I don't really have a type that I fall for, you know. I'm not the present type or the money type or... well, I guess I am the ridiculously handsome type." I smirked and waited as she went in to a booth, out of sight, pretending to be too interested in reading the record book on the counter. This wasn't so hard to believe because 1) It wasn't left unattended very often and 2) I'm curious.

Being curious I searched to see if Lissa had been coming here regularly, like she was supposed to. It occurred to me that I'd been too preoccupied to be looking after her recently and I scolded myself. She mostly came at the same time as Christian. Adrian, I noticed, came during school hours normally. He'd been today right after I'd left him to talk to Lissa. I wondered if that had something to do with our talk because that was the second time he's come today. Not unheard of, but not common either.

"You can get your chocolate cake now." Lissa said as we walked back to the cafeteria.

"Finally!" I mocked annoyance at her and she laughed softly.

"Hey Rose, don't take Adrian for granted, okay? He loves you, whether you're ready to admit it or not and he's made himself vulnerable to you. He doesn't care what anybody thinks of him, except you. If I said I hated his shirt, he'd probably laugh and insult me back. You insult his shirt and he's going to laugh and wait til you leave to burn the shirt. If you understand what I'm trying to say."

"He really cares what I think of his shirt?" I joked.

"Rose," she groaned, "It was a metaphor!"

Back at the cafeteria table with our friends and some chocolate cake, I was staring at Adrian's shirt, thinking a million different things. Where was Dimitri? He would have solved all the problems in my life without using metaphors. New-Dimitri was one of the problems in my life. Adrian is so adorable when he has chocolate icing on his nose (especially when I put it there without him realising). But I'm still sleeping with Dimitri. And Adrian doesn't know. He must feel so repulsive when I don't want to sleep with him, thinking it's because of his past as I did when Dimitri first didn't seem to want to sleep with me. I thought Dimitri would never see me as anything but an annoying little girl. Now Adrian thinks I only see his as a royal and I'm letting him.

Damn Lissa for knowing how to get inside my head even without the bond.

Adrian painted my bottom lip with chocolate icing and waited for me to lick it off. When I was too preoccupied with laughing to care he took matters into his own hands and kissed it off.

"Delicious icing, isn't it?" I asked him smugly as he stared at my lips.

"I don't know, seems a little too sweet to be on you." He teased, smirking back at me.

Lissa turned from Christian to interrupt us, "Speaking of cake, everyone, I have a reminder!"

"Yes?" Eddie said, back to sitting at our table.

"Rose's Birthday is in two weeks! Well, one week and six days... Anyway, we're going to do something special to celebrate because eighteen is adult by guardian standards." Lissa announced.

"No, I'm not sneaking cheap beer into the school for you teenagers." Adrian said, smiling.

"Not the type of special I was talking about..." Lissa muttered, glaring at him. "I was thinking we could do an all day thing. Like fun and games in the morning with friends, then spa afternoon and an elegant party / dinner at sunset."

"Ooh! Seaweed wraps!" Christian said sarcastically.

"I have other plans for the boys while we have our spa. I need you setting up for the dinner or possibly, convincing Alberta not to expel anyone for the games we'll be playing in the morning." Lissa responded, rolling her eyes.

"Well, since there are more than enough people to set up the dinner, I volunteer to give massages at your spa." Adrian said winking.

I laughed, Lissa was an excellent party planner and I loved her idea, if only Dimitri could be involved somehow. I didn't see any chances to spend time with him on my birthday with all the fun planned.

Lissa coughed, "I don't think so. But can everyone meet here an hour before breakfast tomorrow to discuss it? Rose, you're welcome to sleep in, the rest can be a surprise."

"Okay," I said, looking around the mostly empty cafeteria, "Curfew is like now, by the way."

"We better go!" Lissa said, grabbing Christian's hand. "Goodnight everyone, see you tomorrow morning." She quickly gave me a one-armed hug and hurried towards the Moroi dorms. Eddie was already disappearing towards the cafeteria doors when he shouted sweet dreams.

Adrian looked completely unfazed and raised an eyebrow at me, "Bed time?"

"Yep, wanna sneak into my room for a while? You have to wake up in the morning so I'm not going to sleep over with you again but I would love to see what massage skills you have. If you're good enough I might convince Lissa to let you come play spa with us."

"I'll sneak in as soon as I can... see you in five?" He said smugly.

"Yeah, I'll leave the door unlocked so if I'm still in the shower you can get in. Because I can trust you to be a gentleman, can't I?"

"You're going to break my heart, aren't you, Rose Hathaway?" He laughed and pulled me out of the cafeteria, shoving me into the Dhampir dorms.

Wasn't I? He had such an amazing heart, why did I always have to mess with the good things? Dimitri's soul, Lissa's head, Adrian's heart, Mason's future, my mother's career...

I couldn't break Adrian's heart, if for the sole reason that Dimitri taught me better. You never do what the opponent expects. Adrian knew I would eventually do it. So, I had to choose between him and Dimitri before this got out of hand.

My mind _couldn't_ let Adrian go; he was wonderfully caring and he didn't need me to fix him. Trying to put broken people back together was like trying to stop someone from drowning – they were going to grab hold and pull you down without even realising. I'd done it to Adrian once, now I could see Dimitri trying to grab hold while I flitted in and out of his life, watching him drown.

But my heart, my body, my soul screamed in rage at the notion that Dimitri would ever be out of my life. _He was Dimitri! Give him a chance to get back to Dimitri before you crush him, you selfish brat!_

As I walked across the dhampir lobby I passed Cameron, hurrying to get back to his dorm before curfew.

I made eye contact with him and he froze, stuttering "Hi... I'm... sorry. It was all a bet, Rose, to sleep with you. I don't know what happened, but you're not at all what I expected." He sighed and hurried out the door, my glare following him. I'd forgiven him, but not myself.

I grabbed my bathrobe off the floor on my way into my dorm room and went to have a shower, shutting the bathroom door, hoping to wash clean the day I'd had.

By the time I stepped out of the shower the mirror was hidden behind steam. The child in me forced me to draw in it, so of course I wrote a secret message.

_I miss you, my Comrade._

Then I sighed at my youth and turned my back on it, knowing the man I wanted may never come back.

Tying my soft bathrobe around me I went out and flopped onto my bed, face first. Within seconds Adrian was wrapping his arm around my waist as he lay beside me, coming from across the room.

"Hi," I smiled as I rolled onto my back.

"You okay?" He asked as he propped himself on his side.

"Yep, better now that you're here." And I was, somehow.

"Would you like a massage?" He said gently, tracing the line of my jaw with his fingertips.

_Be fun, don't be broken and don't break his heart_, I told myself.

"You'd do anything to touch this, huh?" I said jokingly, sitting up and posing.

He sat up and grinned, "I love you, isn't that enough?"

"In your case, I suppose so. But if I get random guys saying I love you to get me into bed, I'm blaming you."

"I couldn't stop them if I tried..." He muttered, still smiling.

"Hold on while I put some clothes on."

He pouted, "Do you have to?"

I laughed hard, trying to control it to tell him I did need clothes. Finally calming myself with the thought of the first time Dimitri had seen me naked, with that miraculous lust charm. When I didn't hesitate, I let him rip that dress off me in a second. Really, I can't say that was the spell – going to his room was but if I'd somehow ended up in his room with him wanting to take my dress off in other circumstances, I probably would have pulled it off myself.

I pursed my lips now, considering, "Hmm... I think so." The reason I was so sure with Dimitri wasn't that I wanted him but because I was completely comfortable with him. Wasn't I as comfortable with Adrian?

He tilted his head to the side, letting his lips slide into a line. "Why?"

"Because... you've seen me at my most vulnerable, do I have to show you everything?" I said without pre-planning.

"Okay. You don't have to do anything, but let me just point out that you've slept beside me in your underwear before. So, that's good with you...?"

I nodded, shrugging and went to change into a singlet and shorts in the bathroom. After a second I peaked around the door, realising something.

"Wait, did you mean I could just put on underwear now? I thought it was a serious question." I grinned at him, still confused.

He shrugged, "I'm fine with it if you want to, but I did mean it as a serious question. You know, in case you didn't feel comfortable with that stuff..." He raised his eyebrows.

"I'm fine with it... usually I wouldn't have hesitated, but tonight... I don't know. I did. Lissa must be getting to me with her super conscientious mind." I laughed slightly and closed the bathroom door, staring at myself in the mirror.

What am I doing? God! He knows how easy it is to see Rose Hathaway naked - that was my reputation! Some people confused it with sleeping with every guy here but most people understood the facts. He must think I hate him now, even if nothing else had done it. I'd subconsciously avoided it at every turn, even when I said otherwise to him. Was it that Dimitri could be watching? Did I somehow think I was Dimitri's and no one else could have me? Ugh!

Before Adrian could get suspicious I put on the bra and panties I'd grabbed – which at the time I'd expected to be covered up, so they weren't very sexy – and strolled out casually, sitting beside him.

Without words his eyes said 'you didn't have to do that' with such an unfathomable sadness, the kind I always seemed to catch in his beautiful green eyes.

"Your skills better be as good as you say, or you are so fired people will blame Christian." I smirked at him and when I blinked, his eyes were sparkling again.

I lay down beside him on my stomach, giving him a quick smile.

His hands worked slowly over my back, lightly at first then deeper as he started kneading my shoulder blades. His hands began a pattern; splayed across my back on either side of my spine and over my hips, coming up my sides and back to my shoulders.

"Why are you so quiet?" Adrian asked after a few minutes.

"I'm in a mushy mood; I'll probably say something I'll regret tomorrow. Or say something that'll rival your spirit-induced rants."

He laughed and muttered, "Of course, you're in a _mushy mood_."

I grinned to myself and couldn't help myself when I started revealing my soul. "I want to love you the way you love me, I do – a little bit... But I shouldn't choose you."_ Not when I should be fixing Dimitri's heart_.

He chuckled softly, "You might just win."

I rolled over and grabbed his hand, "Promise me you won't give up anymore. You have so much talent, you could be so much. And here you are..." I softly shook my head, "I love you."

"And here I am, but you love me." He kissed our linked hands, "Here I am, a drop-out who sleeps with girls for fun. Here I am, useless and worthless. But you love me."He paused and dropped my hand, "Here I am, loving you."

"You spend so much time telling yourself you're this stereotype, that because you're a royal you have to act this way. When in fact you've already changed into something better, you just haven't noticed yet. Shocking considering how much time you spend looking in the mirror." I smiled at him as he bit his lip.

He laughed, "I have a feeling there is no going back to that stereotype... at least not in the same way. Somehow you've given me a conscience."

"This is more Lissa's type of massage; maybe she'll let you massage her at our spa..."

"Maybe, but I'll have to decline. You see, I'm already taken by this girl who has this way of hooking me in... It's irresistible." He grinned.

"Mm... Resist, for tonight. I'll see you in the morning?"

"I suppose I should let you sleep... Be at breakfast." He gave me a goodbye kiss and slipped out the door.

If I slept, I didn't notice. It seemed as if one minute the clock was telling me it was nearly 10 p.m. and then I glanced over and it was past 1 a.m. What if Dimitri was having nightmares? I suddenly felt the need to be there, making sure he wasn't. And because I was still Rose Hathaway, I managed to get on a random, hastily grabbed dress and end up at the cabin door before dorm security even blinked. _Wouldn't have happened on Dimitri's watch, _I thought bitterly.

"Rose?" A voice asked from my side, a hand shooting out to grab my wrist as I closed the door.

"Yep, the one and only," I shook of his hand and grinned.

"Let me guess, you were testing cabin security?" _My Dimitri_, finally.

I laughed and pulled him into a massive hug, "What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep, you?"

"I couldn't stand the thought of you out here, suffering. It's not like you could call me if you needed me, so I couldn't be sure you were okay."

He smiled, "I love you, Rosa."

"I love you too. But seriously, do something! I'm guessing you've been awake all day, yet the place still looks untouched. Here is the fridge, the stove and the tap. You can use them to cook! Dimitri... please fight this phase for me, don't let it drown you. We can get over this, just make the effort. Okay, I'm going restock the fridge for you, so help write a shopping list."

Dimitri grabbed the notebook and pencil from the drawer, smiling slightly at Tasha's scribbled notes – to do lists and present ideas. Without words I knew that he missed the past as much as I did. He missed the time before I came into his life, even, because he was happy and exactly where he wanted to be. I hadn't had that, but the past still seemed better.

"Okay, what do you need?" I asked cheerfully.

"Nothing really, the fridge is still stocked, so are the shelves."

"Okay, what do you want?"

"You, because material things are meaningless without you. I had a lot, when I was strigoi. Nothing I'd ever really want again... an army, a four bedroom house, a suit..." He chuckled, like that was the most ridiculous thing he could imagine.

"Dimitri?"

"Yes?"

"Tell me what you want, I already know about the Zen outlook on possessions. Trust me; it's boring, meditating can only occupy you for so long."

He sighed, "Maybe some shampoo."

I grinned, "Okay, shampoo. How about body wash? Deodorant? Toothpaste? Tooth brush? I didn't pay much attention to your bathroom that one time we were running off to save Lissa, so you've got to help me here."

He smiled and laughed as we continued through the shopping list, which made me realise how little he did have and brought an idea to mind. Christian would have to help, but it could work.

"I'm going to ask Lissa if she can get us out next week for a shopping trip, but if not I can get it delivered. Now, I've been thinking about getting back to training again, want to work with me?"

His smile was so grateful and worshipping, I was his superstar come to teach him my tricks.


	12. But you know me

Chapter 12:

Songs: Sigh No More by Mumford and sons.  
& Brandy Alexander by Feist.

_He's my Brandy Alexander  
Always gets me into trouble  
But that's another matter  
Brandy Alexander_

I'm his Brandy Alexander  
Always get him into trouble  
I hide that I'm flattered  
Brandy Alexander

"Good morning, Sunshine." I said as I slid into the chair closest to Christian's.

"What do you want?" He said rolling his eyes.

I gasped and widened my eyes dramatically, "Why, how did you know that I wanted something, Mister?"

He smirked at me, "Don't mess with the best, Sweetheart, or you might get burnt."

Lissa laughed, "You two are so strange."

Christian laughed and kissed her softly before turning back to me, "So, what do you want?"

I smirked and leaned over to whisper in his ear, "Want to help me break into the guardian's storage rooms? I'm looking for something... that no one else would help me find."

Christian's eyes widened and he looked at me, mouthing 'are you serious'.

Adrian walked over and smirked, "If you're going to dirty talk someone, I'm always available."

"Yes." I told Christian before kissing Adrian, "You know you're the only one..."

Lissa laughed as Christian continued to stare at me.

"Care to explain? That sounds very... complicated." Christian said after a moment.

I leaned in and whispered, "The others can't know, please. I want to get Dimitri's things... his family deserves something to remember him by and I want some part of him, to stop him from becoming just a memory. He was the love of my life, Christian. Thinking that everything that was _him_ is being left to go stale in cardboard boxes... Please, help me get them."

"Don't you think that might be a bit detrimental to your health? Or your reputation?" He said with an eyebrow raised and slowly tilted his head towards Adrian.

"You seriously think _we_ would get caught?"

"You're insane. Lissa is your best friend... why me? Why not Adrian? He can be just as bad as I can, I'm sure. I don't think this is a good idea for _you_. Believe me, the whole thing sounds like fun..."

Adrian looked very suspicious, and whispered in my ear, "I'm much better at the kinky stuff than you think."

"We'll have to see about that..." I grinned back at him.

"Believe _me_, you're the only one who would be up to this. But we'll talk about this later because Adrian is my boyfriend and I love him." I hissed in Christian's ear.

"Aw, how sweet, you love him. You know this kind of implies you love someone else, still." He replied.

"Of course I do, I will forever love Dimitri. That can't stop me from living my life though, and I really do love Adrian. So let me get back to him." I glared at Christian as I pulled away.

"You know, I've always thought it was strange how best friends always hate the boyfriend and yet the boy friend is always so like the best friend." Eddie said, glancing at a group of girls he liked to flirt with."

"How insightful... I think you may be stepping into unknown territory, my friend. Don't try to understand the female mind."

"It's true though. Rose and Christian aren't the only ones. I can understand why the boy friend would be like the best friend and why the best friend would feel threatened and jealous. But I never got why the boy friend didn't like the best friend."

"Well don't ask me, Rose is a different case to best friends and I don't dislike her anymore." Christian said smirking.

"Boys, you're wrong. If the boyfriend was like the best friend, they wouldn't hate each other. But the best friend will know if the boyfriend is wrong for her friend and she'll hate him for it. And he hates her because she takes away time that he could be using in a better way." Adrian interjected with a wink.

Lissa smiled kindly, "Meredith will come around, don't worry."

I raised an eyebrow and turned to Adrian, who whispered, "Eddie is going out with Meredith but her best friend doesn't like him so Meredith is playing it cool with him. Eddie is nothing like the best friend in this case, I think he was just generalizing that part. Want to get out of here?"

I nodded and turned back to the group, "Good luck with that, Eddie, I'm sure she can't resist you for long. We're going to head out for awhile, you done with Adrian? I'm sure he wasn't helping the party planning much anyway."

...

Sitting in the lush grass of Adrian's secret hide away, carelessly staring at the sky was a dream I didn't deserve. However the universe didn't seem to get a say in Adrian Ivashkov's plans. How was it that my Russian demigod didn't have as much influence with the fates as Adrian did?

"Are you unhappy, my dear?" He asked with the hint of a smile.

"Wouldn't that be so unfortunate, to be sad here with you?" I returned, picking up Adrian's ability with words after so many hours with him.

"Perhaps your thoughts need to catch up still yet, my Little Dhampir, you can't force you're body to keep moving away, further and further from your mind. I'm here, so close to you," he threaded his fingers through mine, "I'm not going anywhere. A life lesson for you: live in the moment, forget the past. Someone like you can afford to forget experience – you need to forget it, you're such a passionate person that each mistake will torture you."

I shrugged, "I'm Rose Hathaway, like I can't stand a little torture."

"I may be a masochist, but I was self-medicated – I couldn't feel any of it. And I got to tell you, it hurt, I needed something. We can't change who we are, but that isn't the disease. The pain is. Don't look for a cure in alcohol or drugs or endorphins. It's letting it go, learning how to forget the past and not caring so much about the alcohol and drugs and endorphins. Rose, your future is right ahead, there is so little you need to do to get it – don't stuff it up like I did." His voice was gentle, but the look in his eyes was fierce.

"Are you trying to save me, Adrian Ivashkov?"

"You're not as far gone as you think, not so beyond hope, my love."

"Ah, but you get to be so past hope? I don't think so. Get it together. Go apply to college, stuff the politics and the Queen. Go with Lissa! Go to NYU! Go to Yale! Who cares where, if it's what you want. You're not too far gone; this whole mentality that 'royals don't do anything but be royal' is shit. Didn't you ever have some idea, some dream in the back of your head – what you'd do if you weren't Adrian Ivashkov? Who you'd want to be?"

"Are you trying to save _me_, Rose Hathaway?"

"Touché, Ivashkov. I'll give your method of survival a try when you take my advice. You're parents are probably considering cutting you off for embarrassing them, what's the worst they can do?"

"They could be happy about it." He grumbled.

I laughed and leaned into him, "Their opinion is irrelevant."

He looked down at me, and for a moment, I thought he was going to kiss me. And I wanted it, wanted him to love me and do something – anything – that proved he liked me. But he smiled, friendly, like he hadn't been trying to get me naked for a massage the night before. And it was his little revenge for my heart belonging to someone else.

"What do you want to do today?" He asked, with that stupid smile.

"I don't know. Why don't we just lie here for a while?" I responded, surprising myself with the softness in my voice.

"Okay."

Lying on the plush grass with Adrian's hand in mine became the perfect cliché – a picture of a happy couple that didn't really exist. Was my place under this canopy of clouds or out in a house of sticks for the wolf to find and blow down?

There he was – perfect. This was the kind of guy I imagined I'd give myself to. Then I'd go back to being a guardian to Lissa and only occasionally run into him at royal functions when we were adults. He'd look at me with his royal wife and smile, because once upon a time he thought he loved me. I never dreamed of love and real fairytales until Dimitri came along. But I didn't know what it felt like to love; I'd always been admired now here he was. And I was carefree, in love with Dimitri. Watching Adrian without emotion showed me so much more: that his eyes remained locked on mine, the resigned way his shoulders sagged when I looked at my watch, the way he loved me yet acted like I was just another friend.

"I've been thinking, after graduation we should go back to that ski resort, and the rest of the gang to. Before you all become sensible guardians and we Moroi try to become someone." He suggested.

What would it be like to go off with Adrian, where Dimitri couldn't follow? To share a room with Adrian for a week? For the rest of my life? If Dimitri had never existed, I would have sworn I'd marry Adrian someday.

"Sounds good, hopefully we don't get assigned to royals who need us to start immediately."

"Mm... I wanted to let you know something about that. I know you want to be Lissa's guardian, and you probably will end up there. But if you don't think you're going to get Lissa at some point, let me know and I'll request you. I'll spend all my time with Lissa, it'll be like guarding her. Even if you've already been appointed, I know how to have a hissy fit." He grinned.

"Thanks, I'll keep it in mind." I knew he wanted me as his guardian, but he understood that I needed to be with Lissa.

"They're showing a movie in the junior school common rooms in about an hour, we could grab lunch and then go see it...?"

And so we did, we went and found hamburgers in the cafeteria and took the food to the junior common room so we could get the couch before the preteens descended, the movie played – some animation with very high morals – and I don't think Adrian could have told me the main character's name by the end of it, he was so focused on playing with my hair.

It was scary; in that exciting way that makes your spine tinge and your breathing slightly uneven. This was a new sort of love, the proper kind. Not fierce like with Dimitri or fake like with Jesse. Him and I, we were made of the same stuff. Our pasts were the same, we had the same reckless mask and we weren't afraid to be ourselves. But... wasn't their supposed to be one true love, who I had already found?

"Rose is in red," He whispered into my ear, "But never in blue. I'm so in love with her smile, wish she'd be too."

I rolled my eyes, "I was daydreaming."

He winked, "You don't need to imagine it, I'll show you."

"Mm... I'm hungry, let's go get some food." I said distractedly, standing up and stretching. He stayed sitting and watched me like I was the most desirable woman alive. I had to admit that with his hair messed up from lying around all day he looked pretty appetizing himself.

We made our way towards his apartment, because he said he'd already "stocked his fridge". It turned out, he literally had. There was a tray of chocolate dipped strawberries that caught my attention straight away, and other normal refrigerator foods.

Adrian and I leaned against the kitchen bench feeding each other the strawberries, laughing at silly things, licking the corners of each other's mouths clean.

"These are good." I said happily.

He chuckled, "You're good."

"Bet all the girls melt at that laugh, Mr. Ivashkov, but I won't be melting anytime soon."

He grinned and laughed: a real, spontaneous laugh. "Sure, but you're already so hot, darling."

"Ha!" I laughed and leaned closer to him, "Thank you, my love." I kissed him slowly, in an irresistibly sexy way. Then stepped back and started eating a strawberry. "What?" I said at his stare.

"I do believe I can make you melt, my little Rose." He challenged.

"Yeah, Ri-" I got cut off as Adrian flung me over his shoulder. He flung me onto the bed while I was laughing, kissing the sound from my lips.

Grinning he twined our legs together, slowly kissing my lips, then my cheek and the curve of my ear. I pretended to be unaffected, pride always had directed me. How could he not see in the past few days how much I would do for him? There were only a few things I wouldn't do for this man: Kill him, kill Lissa or harm Dimitri in any way.

I smirked at his attempts, trailing a finger along his collar bone. "This is fun."

"I think it's a little more exciting than that." And in revenge he swirled his tongue in my ear.

It was incredible and shocking and delicious, but I put on my guardian mask and held up my hand to examine my nails. He bit my ear lobe and I breathed in a little too quickly, almost giving myself away – as if he couldn't already tell. He must have thought of something then, because he eyes slitted slightly at the edges and he crawled down to my neck.

"Mmm..." He sighed, licking my neck softly. Then harder, hungrily, brushing his teeth against my skin then slowing down again. I lost all pretences then and arched into his lips, stopped running my hands through his hair and instead gripped it. He slid one hand onto my shoulder and the other onto my hip, lightly stroking his tongue over every inch of my neck. Whether intentionally or not, the endorphins in his saliva were jumbling my thoughts. He stopped, looked into my eyes - even though mine were already lost to his unfathomable green ones. "Promise you'll never leave me." He said gently, no compulsion in his voice.

I sighed, "I – That's not – Adrian..." Too much to ask for, yet I wouldn't never say no.

He leaned down and softly kissed my shoulder before starting to sit up, "I understand." But he didn't, and his eyes were so very sad, a little boy holding back tears in the school yard, every time his parents left him, when his father told him he hated him.

"Come here," I pulled him back up to me, softly running my hand along his cheek, "I'd never leave you, cursed as our lives our. You didn't need to melt my heart for that promise, it was already yours." I hugged him to me, in a fairytale dream.

My love for Dimitri was hot and passionate, would never be satiated. But this felt like the slow kind of magic, where you couldn't remember any problems and you got lost in wonder. In awe of the other person.


	13. Two hearts: Mine

A/N: Finally some good, old-fashioned Rose and Dimitri time, sorry if the reflections drag on, they're in love)

* * *

**Chapter 13: Two Hearts: Mine.**

**Song: Who by Fire by The Panics (Also, I did listen to Don't Fight It by the Panics a lot and the lyrics are from there)**

"You have stolen my heart." I told Dimitri as I softly sat at the table beside him, where he'd been lost in his thoughts before I arrived.

"I love you too." He said with a confident smile.

"I do love you, but I was being serious. You stole my heart." My slight smile tried to hide my unhappiness. Perhaps my heart had chosen wrong – or not had a choice at all. Not that I would take it back now, I loved him so truly it was a part of me: heart, lungs, brain, liver, love for Dimitri.

His smile twitched at the corner, "I don't know about that, you were the irresistible woman who wouldn't leave me alone, after all."

"I didn't love you straight away, but you were always there trying to look after me and being so... you, that it killed me. I never thought that I could love, or that I would, but with another guardian? I knew all the reasons against it, all the dangers of dhampirs living their own lives but when I met you, I forgot completely, questioned ever rejection you threw my way, how could something so powerful be impossible, why would anyone want to stop me _feeling_ this way?" My voice wavered in the last question, a whisper of a secret thought.

He leant towards me, "You gave yourself to me so fully, you cannot imagine how that feels to love someone and try to resist, when they have given themselves to you, all their trust, all their happiness and all their fears. It wasn't at all childish and I didn't know how you did it, suddenly your eyes betrayed that you cared what I said and you sought me out unconsciously in every room."

I sighed, not as sadly as before – his voice saying the things I'd always wanted to hear was distracting me.

"Of course I already loved you, but I was avoiding it, not accepting it until then. I couldn't help myself." He smiled at me, "I started purposely being in every room you were in, so your eyes could find me. Watching out for you, because you'd shown me that you had fears and sadness and insecurities buried deep inside your heart and I didn't want that heart hurt. Before, I must admit, it was your bravery and your body I'd noticed, every man on earth already loved that much of you at first sight."

"When did you start accepting it?"

"When I saw that you loved me, in your eyes, even after I'd busted in on you and Jesse... well, teenagers with bad tempers have a tendency to be outraged by authority. You watched me like you had been waiting the entire time for me, and yet you were shocked I existed." He laughed at how that matched our current circumstances. "Then in practice you weren't all rage and energy, slowly you started thinking, watching my strategies instead of commenting on how I was purposefully showing off and trying to beat you up," Another laugh from him, "Yet you listened to every word I said outside of standard practice talk with such intensity, as if 'how is Princess Dragomir' was vitally important in keeping your heart unbroken. I suppose my point is, I was concentrating on you and if you loved me and were showing me that, I couldn't lie to myself either."

As the late hour of the night changed to the earliest morning, I contemplated this whole puzzle. He had stolen my heart – yet it was my fault for giving it to him. It seemed that he didn't know my point of view well enough to explain how he stole my heart, just that I'd given myself fully to him. How did his stealing my heart fit into the memories he'd just shared?

And how was it that I no longer had my heart – it was solely Dimitri's – yet I felt it breaking at times, felt it grow attached to Adrian and felt it melt for both these men? To love, be loved and love again, an endless cycle without any breaks or pauses.

_Don't fight it; don't fight it, if you don't know what it is. Just don't fight it, don't fight it, don't fight it, if you don't know what it is... Where has my life gone, where has my fight gone... I won't resist, my answers always this: Don't fight it, don't fight it, don't fight it, if you don't know what it is, if you don't know what it is..._

"Rose?" Soul-deep brown eyes, defined jaw and moonlight pouring in.

"Yes?" My lips brushing against each other, my eye lids fluttering and my breathing even.

"Do you not like my answer?"

"Of course I do, it's just... how'd you steal my heart- why did I give myself to you before you accepted loving me, if you hadn't stolen my heart? And I know you had, I just don't know the details." I searched that face, wanted these answers desperately. Because I was a terrible person, loving another, yet I didn't know how I came to be so passionately in love with this man to begin with.

He chuckled, "I don't know, Roza. I think that maybe I was one of the few people to care about what you were doing, whether your plan for the future included you staying alive to graduate. And that we got along so well, matched so perfectly and our souls were made of the same stuff – the passion and fury and loyalty. Well, it was an irresistible combination for me, but for you it was brand new and unlike anything you'd experienced before completely. I didn't love before you, but I'd felt the suggestion of it – thought it possible. And that was uncontrollable. Your heart chose before you knew it was going to."

I sighed, in love and finally understanding how. I looked at his eyes sparkling in the half light, his hand moving to rest on top of mine in my lap.

"You know, considering it from your point of view, it must have been so much more powerful at first for you. I'd tasted desire and love and I could deal with them, knew how emotionally encompassing they were. I am amazed that you didn't start kissing and attacking me sooner." He grinned.

"I thought you didn't want me, didn't think I was pretty or grown up enough for _you_. No other man had ignored me in that way, the self doubt stung enough to stop me from thinking of such things as a possibility." I explained.

"My mind thought of such things every morning – I had to focus on duelling with you without noticing the way your body moved. How I would make it move if you were four years older, mm... I thought you'd noticed my staring when our eyes met, you had this mischievous glint in them."

I smirked then, "When I was actually considering what you'd do to me if I jumped you right in the middle of practice, how much trouble I would get into. The trouble was worth it, you know, the pain of you finally touching me, just to push me away, was too much to risk."

He looked like he couldn't imagine having the strength to push me away, even in the past. "Well." Then he was kneeling in front of me, kissing me confidently. "I might have to make you forget about that, it doesn't seem to portray me very well."

"I think that would be good." I whispered into his ear, his hands resting on my hips, soft and warm and perfect.

The feeling of his hands on me was never enough so long as he still had his clothes on, so as we made our way to the bed only a metre away, I did my best to remove his clothing.

Screaming into emptiness, for his ears alone  
as far from alone as I could be,  
Isolated from reality.  
My name panted into my ear,  
his hands strong and lethal:  
gentle as they tightened around me.  
His tongue, everywhere and restless.  
His body beneath my own as I drifted to sleep,  
his eyes drooping as well.

When I woke again my head was on his chest as he leaned against the wall.

"I love you, Dimitri Belikov."

"I love you, Roza."

I suppose he thought that I was completely his, so long as no one else called me that. And I was his Roza, because no one else knew me like he did and it signified that person I was with him. "Do you miss our love being forbidden?"

"No, but in a way it still is, loving a dead man. Honestly, Rose, there is no one you could love that wouldn't be forbidden, you're a female guardian: love doesn't exist for you. No moroi or dhampir would be socially accepted as more than a 'lover'. Sometimes I wonder if telling you to grow up was the right thing to do, maybe you wouldn't have suffered so deeply, taken responsibility for so much. Maybe you could have had a love that wasn't forbidden: just a reckless teenager with a self-indulgent moroi."

"You changed my life, yes, but I wouldn't have survived the past few years without you – hell, I would have been thrown out that first day we met if it wasn't for you. Come to think of it, we never would have been caught without you, thanks." I smirked at him and kissed him quickly, "I would have found you eventually."

"You weren't looking for someone like me, though, you weren't looking at all. You were surrounded by boys who would have loved to make you happy – for five minutes or for the rest of your life. But you were going to be a guardian."

"I suppose. But Lissa was going to live out the fairytale for both of us; I would have made sure of that." I smiled slightly, remembering a time when we were both young enough to believe that was possible and that it would be good enough.

"What is Lissa up to these days?" He murmured.

"Same old Lissa," I quickly checked on her mind, "Christian snuck into her dorm room, and she's watching him sleep. Blah, Blah, she loves him, she ..." She wonders whether Adrian and I were _together_ earlier. I blocked of her thoughts instantly. I cough, "She thinks a lot of things I don't want to know."

He chuckled, "I remember how I used to have to distract you."

"Mm... Tell me about how you saw me, at first."

"You already must know the effect your body has on men. I was used to ignoring that when I was working, I saw how beautiful you were but I didn't think much of it: you were a student. It was obvious you had an attitude and a temper to be reckoned with, but you cared so much about Lissa, you were so brave." He grinned, playing with my hair.

"I always wondered if you thought about me."

"Well, when you started wearing such sexy things all the time and I couldn't escape it – at practice you would be wearing the equivalent of underwear, then in class you'd be pushing the school rules – I had to think about you."

"I needed you then, so thank you." I smiled up at him.

"And I need you now, Rose, I love you. Don't forget that, no matter what happens. A lot has happened but we're still here."

"I know; I love you too." I buried my head against his chest.

"No one else will ever know me again, I'm stuck in this forest, still yet no one would ever have had me the way you do – even if the attack hadn't happened and we hadn't stayed together."

"We would have stayed together." I stated.

"In a perfect world..." he whispered against my hair, "Sleep now, Roza."

And I was so tired, his voice so irresistible, that I did.

"Rose..." Dimitri murmured into my dreams, then his lips were on mine and the dream dissolved into his face against mine, his hand on my shoulder.

"Hi." I sleepily smiled, rubbing a hand over my face.

He grinned, an inch away from my face, like a camera's focus too close for a proper frame. "Hi, it's just after six, and your phone has been ringing for awhile now."

"Oh, oops, I slept in, but it's still a bit early for people to be noticing that I'm missing." I took my phone from his hand and glanced at the screen: two missed calls from Lissa, one from Christian and a couple of texts from Lissa and Eddie.

I read through the texts:

_Hey Rose, are you coming to breakfast?  
Eddie._

_Please come to breakfast as soon as you see this,  
Love, Lissa. _

_Rose, where are you? You need to come to breakfast asap.  
xx Lissa._

I shook my head at Dimitri as I stretch, "Lissa is planning a birthday thing for me and it's probably about that, she wants me at breakfast. Which won't be ending for a few more hours, so I have time to stay and make you breakfast first."

I walked over and turned on the kettle, finding some bread and a worn looking toaster. The fridge wasn't still fully stocked, so it was good to see he was eating, at least.

I put a coffee in front of him and a plate of toast, and then sat across from him with my own coffee.

"You don't need to stay if you're friends are looking for you," Dimitri started.

"I don't need to run off, I do that enough on school days, let's just enjoy the start of the day for a few minutes. We're completely alone out here, just us and the quiet, I kind of like it, you know? Space to breathe."

"I like it when your here, it's very isolated though, like the rest of the world doesn't exist." I could see how that would make him feel like I'd forgotten him in a matter of hours, silence always made time slow.

"Yet I'm just through that forest and always coming back to you. We can't take the risk of anything more, I know it sucks, so many times I've considered other options, but this is best. For now." I held his gaze empathetically, of course he didn't need me to say it – he would have reasoned through everything a lot faster than me.

"I know, this is the only place in the world for me now, with you. I can wait." He smiled and leaned across the table to kiss me as I threaded my fingers through his.


	14. Dream a Little Longer, If You Were There

A/N: I'm a little ashamed to be having an author's note on this chapter. But I was just wondering if anyone was still out there, and also, I'm sorry for the late post. Okay, more than late. But this chapter was very hard to write and turned out to be 7 pages. I hope you enjoyed the last chapter a lot, because it's nearly the end and I don't have many heart-warming chapters.

Thanks to kinanbon x3 for her help, quite a while ago :) Without her, this story may never have had an ending.

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Chapter 14:

Song: _They Weren't There by Missy Higgins (I strongly advise listening to the song on repeat while reading, trust me)_

As I walked back to school I was lost in the feeling of Dimitri kissing me goodbye, it spoke so clearly that I was his. And my heart couldn't explain how I could feel this with Dimitri and then feel equally as strongly with Adrian, it was lost right now. My heart was dancing, full of all the love surrounding me and I couldn't help feeling happy. This wasn't perfect, but it felt right, fulfilling. I continued walking along happily; glad that I was wearing sweatpants and a tank top and could pass of as having gone for a run, it was getting later in the morning and people would be out enjoying the sun.

I couldn't wait to do this again and again, spending days with Lissa and Adrian, nights wrapped in Dimitri's arms. Being found again by the people who love me.

My phone started ringing again just after I'd emerged from the line of trees and into the open field that led to the student commons. I was pulling it out of my pocket when Christian started jogging towards me and the ringing stopped. He held up his phone in explanation and slowed down in front of me.

"I've been looking everywhere for you." He said, slightly breathless.

"I was running in the woods, sorry, I go out most mornings." I smiled at him, "I was just heading to breakfast, Lissa's been texting me. Did she send you?"

"Well, sort of. Lissa was waiting for you at breakfast but we couldn't get through to you and you weren't in your room... She's in my room, come on. I'll get Eddie to bring some breakfast up with him, if you want...?" No sarcasm, no smirk teasing the corners of his mouth. He had that caring face he rarely used, one I'm sure had been more common before his parents turned.

I shrugged, "Sure, what's up?"

He was already dialling on his phone, "Hold on, I'll just call Eddie." He started walking towards the main building and I followed, listening to his conversation. "Hey, yeah, I found her. No, she was out running... could you grab some breakfast on your way up? I don't know, no, mhmm... I haven't, yeah. Thanks, Eddie, see you soon." Christian put the phone away and nodded to me, "Lissa wants to talk to you – us. Eddie's heading up there already."

"Okay... I thought she didn't need me for birthday planning anymore." I said curiously.

He paused, "To be honest, it's not about that... Lissa will tell you." His eyes flashed a sorrowful blue, before he turned his head away and kept walking. His phone rang and he picked up straight away, murmuring quietly, "Hey Liss, yeah. Eddie will be there in a second. You've got to... we're on the way too. I love you." Christian continued stoically ahead, not bothering with conversation. But that was always his way, unless he was with Lissa.

As we walked up the stairs towards his room Christian paused and looked at me, "It's nearly graduation and then you'll get to be Lissa's guardian..." He seemed to force a half smile as he held open the door to his corridor for me, "You'll get what you always wanted, Rose, you've grown up a lot recently, don't let anything stop you, alright?" He gave me a hard look, then seemed to reconsider, "I don't want anyone else protecting Lissa, you're the best."

"I know, thanks Christian, you're alright yourself." I grinned at him, still happy from my morning, high from the smell of Dimitri and the sound of his heart beneath my ear.

"Okay." He sighed, like that was final, and then knocked on his door before opening it. Eddie was standing just inside, drinking a bottle of water and gestured to the desk which had a plate of doughnuts and a couple of bottles of water placed haphazardly on top of Christian's notebooks. I smiled at him and waved, receiving a typical bad ass nod in return.

Being shut in Christian's room on a beautiful morning wasn't my idea of an ideal Sunday, not to mention the fact that Christian hadn't cleaned up recently and clothes scattered the floor around his bed.

I saw Lissa out of the corner of my eye and turned to where she was sitting on the bed, "Hey Liss, nice venue you have here." I grinned, walking over to sit beside her; she was obviously waiting for us to arrive.

"Hi Rose..." She pulled me in for a hug and the turned to Christian as he sat down on her other side. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and Eddie sat on the desk chair, staring out the window. Time seemed to pause as Lissa took at deep breath and I felt like I was the only one who didn't know what was coming, like a child waiting to be yelled at but not knowing what for. Maybe Lissa was just waiting for Adrian before she started and I was being paranoid. Or not...

Lissa sighed, "I'm sorry, Rose, God, I'm so sorry. I don't know why bad things keep happening to you." Christian rubbed her shoulder softly and she sighed and started again. "Adrian went out last night to the mall a few miles out, to get your birthday present and he was on the way back about an hour ago and there was an accident, they got caught in traffic on the highway and another car collided with the one he was in..." Lissa made a sniffling sound and shook her head at Christian, turning to face him, shoulders shaking. "I'm sorry."

"Adrian was killed; his neck got broken on impact." Christian said gently, hugging Lissa briefly before she turned to pull me into her arms.

"I'm so sorry, Rose, he was too far gone for me to heal him, and I tried so hard, I'm sorry." Now she was sobbing against my shoulder. Christian sighed at the look on my face and moved over on the bed to put his arm around Lissa's shoulders again.

"Adrian?" I asked, shocked. But he was so alive yesterday... no. I looked over to Eddie, "Our Adrian?"

Eddie nodded, silent tears rolling down his cheeks as he walked over and sat with us, wrapping his arms around Lissa and I as Christian extended his other arm around my shoulders too. I rested my head against Eddie's shoulder and he hugged me tighter, "We'll be okay, shh..."

I must have been the one crying then, but his soft words didn't quiet my sobs. Lissa and I were both crying, gasping for breath and then starting over while Eddie and Christian remained with us, silent except for the occasional tears and their condolences and reassurances. If I hadn't let him leave me last night; if I'd asked him to stay, he wouldn't have been on the road. If I didn't exist, he would still be alive.

"No..." My voice broke, every time my heart healed, fell in love, whenever I allowed myself to care: everything fell apart, it was all torn away.

"I'm sorry, Rose, I know..." Christian soothed, tears streaking his face as Lissa shook even harder against my shoulder.

"But I loved him, it's not fair..." I whispered.

Lissa sobbed uncontrollably, "it's not, it's not..."

"Nothing ever is." Eddie sighed quietly. And then there was no noise for hours, just thousands of tears and the four of us in the world. Somewhere, so distant from us, the news must have been buzzing around the campus. Even more distantly, around the court. His family, the queen, must have thought it was their place to mourn for him, to organise memorials and decide what his life had been like. But they weren't there for anything important, for even a moment with the real Adrian. They thought they knew him and gave up on him, how dare they care now that he was gone!

Oh god, I'd loved him. I'd loved him and I'd killed him. I needed to be the one to make sure he was remembered properly, not with pictures of him in suits at royal events, not as an addict.

But the world was frozen, just us here alone.

"Lissa, we have to stop them. They're going to make the funeral at the royal court and they didn't even know him. We have to do something, please." My voice was so quiet and calm, compared to Lissa's cracked, gasping reply.

"What can we do? I couldn't even heal him! Like anyone will ever listen to me again, the girl who let her friend die." She shook her head, hopelessly lost.

"No, no, shh, we can. You can. Call the queen, tell her you want to organize it with the help of the royal court and some of Adrian's friends and then tomorrow we'll take the academy's private plane to the court and we'll make sure everyone knows who Adrian Ivashkov was, what a great man he was. Please Lissa, you're the only one she'd let take over. She's training you for queen."

"Okay. Tell me what to do." She whispered.

I grabbed Lissa's hand and the four of us, still intertwined and a mess of tears, made our way down to administration. The rest of the world seemed to be out of focus, blurring past. Faces watched us, some curious, some mocking, others knowing and concerned. I didn't know what I was going to do, how to handle everyday with these crowds knowing that again Rose Hathaway had stuffed up. Another death on my hands. But that didn't matter right now, not with Eddie at my side, his arm around my shoulders and Lissa on my other side, her hand clutched in mine. I didn't think it would ever matter, because even though I should care, I couldn't. Not with Adrian gone and Dimitri isolated.

No, never again with Adrian gone.

Because when he showed who he really was, he was so much better than I was.

Lissa pulled herself together for the admin members and asked to use the phone and one of the conference rooms for a couple of hours. Her hand squeezed mine tighter, but no one outside of our group would have guessed she wasn't a perfectly composed princess. Of course admin felt no responsibility to Adrian Ivashkov, who'd just been a guest staying on campus, but they couldn't stop Lissa from doing court business. And they didn't object to any of us taking a few days of school.

Lissa got straight through to the queen, which let me to believe she's been given a very secret number. She had the phone on speaker and we listened as she politely gave our condolences, which the queen returned and then started on business.

"I would like to organize the funeral and the memorial dinner, with the help of some of Adrian's friends, at the royal court. Adrian and I were good friends, and I'm very capable of organising royal events. We could be on the academy's jet first thing tomorrow and have the funeral organized for the day after tomorrow." Lissa began.

The queen's voice was polite and composed as always, "Yes, I think that would be a good idea, Vasalissa. It's lovely of you to offer, really, you are so thoughtful." She sighed for a moment, "I fear the court is not as concerned with his death as I would wish, but I know you'll do him justice." I knew that sigh meant as much as any of our tears did, and I knew Lissa and the queen were close if she was privy to this kind of emotion. The queen coughed delicately, "The dates seem fine, I'll make sure you have access to the court's resources in planning and I'll inform St. Vladimir's that you'll be taking the jet and be absent. Who will be coming with you?"

"Well, those who will be planning with me: Rose Hathaway, Christian Ozera and Eddie Castile. Also some of the faculty who'll be attending the funeral: Guardian Petrov, the elemental magic teacher here who worked with Adrian and a few guardians assigned by Petrov. We'll have his body flown in tomorrow." Her voice broke on the last sentence and she stopped.

"Mm," the queen responded, and I could picture her nodding slowly as she picked up her tea, "Yes, I think that would be appropriate. Despite what people may think, his death is a great loss to our people and I will ensure it is treated as such, I loved him as my own son, Vasalissa. Everyone you've mentioned will be given leave from the school, and I'll have the jet prepared for a six o'clock departure tomorrow morning."

"Yes, thank you."

"Tragedy is such a hard thing to deal with, especially so completely unexpectedly. I know this must have been painful for all of you, take care of each other. You can organize this event and blow away all the royals, but any incidents in the next few days would take away from Adrian's memory. Please be mindful of that, be well." Then she hung up.

We spent the next few hours working hard. Christian was on the phone to the court caterer booking the event and organizing a tasting for tomorrow, though he had to argue a few of the food options and work around the chef's ego. Eddie was on the phone to more people than I bothered to follow, working out the locations. Lissa called the court florist to book the event and say she'd be in tomorrow to make decisions. Then she was on the phone to the church. Then the morgue. Then the court officials. Then Adrian's parents personal assistants.

I was to track down Guardian Petrov, the magic teacher and Headmistress Kirova to inform them of what was going on. I spent two minutes on the phone with our Headmistress in which she informed me she already knew the details on Adrian's death, had received an email from the queen's office and that everything was already being taken care of. She bluntly gave her condolences and her approval of our involvement in planning the approval and ended the conversation. The whole time I just wanted to be curled up someplace dark and alone, so no one could see me, know my shame and my failures. But I couldn't do that. Not when Adrian needed me. So I was tracking down the number for Lissa's magic instructor, informing her of Adrian's death and pretending it wasn't killing me as well when she started crying. Somehow, she'd been kind and thoughtful enough, spent so much time with him, that she thought he was a good-hearted man. I told her the details for our flight and decided that consoling her was not something Adrian needed, and therefore I didn't need to do it.

It felt wrong to just call Guardian Petrov, even if she hadn't really known Adrian and all she had to do was choose a few guardians and go on a trip to court. She'd been like a mother to me and pretending to be composed and organized over the phone was disrespectful. Especially when she was in the same building as me.

I wandered down a few corridors, wishing that I could get lost and somehow not have to admit to anyone that Adrian was dead. Because over the phone was different – I wasn't Rose, I was a voice, calm and polite, no one could see the tears. Then I was in front of Alberta's door and I could hear her typing inside, so there was no way to avoiding knocking and being called in, like this was just an ordinary day.

"Hey, Alberta." I said quietly as I walked in.

"Rose, what a surprise. What can I do for you this afternoon?" Out the window behind her everything was bright and it was obvious that I should have had better things to do if everything was okay and normal.

"Adrian Ivashkov..." I stopped and took a breath, I didn't want to say this, couldn't, had to force myself to speak through my tight throat. "Last night he was off campus. And he was in an accident..." Lissa had done it, why couldn't I? Alberta stood and walked around her desk to lean on it with her arms crossed, listening, like her arms would protect her from the news. "He was killed." I bit my lip, squeezed my eyes shut, but nothing changed. I opened them a second later, resigned that nothing would happen. And it didn't, because it was too late.

Her face was kind and sad, "Rose, I'm sorry."

"I need you to organize a few guardians and yourself to accompany Lissa, Eddie and Christian to court to plan the funeral and attend. It will only take a few days, we leave at six tomorrow, Kirova will email you the details soon, she's approved everything. The queen would like it if there was a school presence there, to show that the academy cares that her nephew is dead. So the guardians attending will be there as representatives more than guards. I'm sure you can organize this quickly, I should be getting back to planning." I took a step back toward the door but didn't turn.

Alberta knew me, and her eyes were watching me like I was something great and wondrous, like some skyscraper that was so great it made her sad to look at it after a minute. But she didn't pity me and she wasn't disappointed in me. So I gave her a chance to reply.

She nodded, "That's fine. Come here a moment, Rose, there's no hurry."

I leaned against the desk next to her, and turned to look at her.

"I know he was very close to you, but you have to remember after all of this, that you're alive and you can make a difference in the world. They may not have had the chance, but you do. And I see you doing the planning, so I know you don't need to be told to do that. Something you never seem inclined to do is to just be sad, still, quiet for a day. Let people take care of you. Be with your friends and take care of each other. Talk through it; let it sink in, just for a day. The planning can wait until tomorrow; just go someplace quiet with your friends. You don't need to be reckless, violent, and passionate, about your sadness."

"Okay." I whispered.

She took my hand and squeezed it, "Maybe tomorrow on the plane I can tell you a story of one of the few times I met Adrian, until then." She nodded towards the door.

I stood and she put her hand on my shoulder for a second before walking back around her desk.

"Thank you." I said and walked out into the hallway, fluorescent lights ruining the beautiful day outside. Hell, what wasn't ruining the beautiful day today?

When lunch came we left the office, the four of us, arms linked, and made our way to the cafeteria. I guess we must have had enough practice with loss because we all dealt with it the way we should, we didn't screw up our lives or break down. We were just and so simply, sad. I'd never had the liberty of being carefree – of seeing the world as a good place. I'd never been that innocent. Not when I was born into this dark war, with no father present and a mother who isn't interested. But Dimitri, Adrian, Lissa... they'd made me into a good person despite it. For that I was grateful, so I continued to do my best for them.

After a quiet lunch, we decided to stay in Christian's room for the night and each headed to our own rooms to pack for our trip tomorrow and get some pyjamas. When I got there Christian was doing laundry downstairs and Eddie was showering, so I was left to wait for Liss.

Adrian saved me from myself. With him gone, I'd have to be strong enough on my own. Still, when I closed my eyes I wasn't getting strength from within myself; it was from the image of Adrian picking me up, his face over mine in the dark. Forcing me to live, now I'd never get a chance to repay him.

Lissa slipes in the door quietly, pink suitcase in hand. "Hey."

"Christian's doing laundry," I roll my eyes, "guess he didn't have any clean clothes to take to court."

She laughs softly, "Boys are all like that, doesn't matter how nice they are."

"I guess that's true. Adrian wasn't like that, though I suppose he's a different issue. Do you remember that slumber party?"

"Yeah, though sometimes I wish I didn't. It was fun, reckless, but definitely once in a lifetime."

I half smile, "Adrian fed me chocolates while I was dancing and it seemed like everything was in slow motion, then we were doing cart wheels and everything sped up again."

Lissa smiles back at me then Eddie walks in the door half dressed and with wet hair. He looks like he should have been advertising expensive cologne, but he has this sad set to his mouth that makes me think nothing could be right in the world. He throws his overnight bag on the desk chair and comes to sit beside me.

Then it's so quiet that I can hear the sorrow leaking into my heart, like a dripping tap. But it feels right, the three of us sitting here waiting for Christian and saying goodbye to Adrian.


	15. Time Should Pass, I'm Just Not Sure

Chapter 15: Time Should Pass, I'm Just Not Sure

Song: _I Gave You All by Mumford and Sons_

* * *

With a weak smile, I stood.

"I think I just need to run, or do something. Practice, maybe. Pick a fight with a few trees. I just can't sit here doing nothing physically. I'll be back in a while, don't worry. You guys should sleep. I'll be fine."

The sun was starting to rise, the academy was starting to become quiet and I didn't feel like I was there. I forgot about curfew, didn't care about the fact that I was going to have to sneak back into the male moroi dorms when I got back.

I got away from the buildings and started running for the tree line. I knew the woods would eventually lead me to the one place I didn't know if I was ready to go.

Memories of the afternoon washed over me, clippings of conversations, faces, feeling. The thump of my feet was the only reminder I was moving, the process was so automatic. Once I was thick in the smell of damp earth and pine, I paused to breathe. I ran. Through the trees, over twigs, swiping at branches in my path.

Deep green eyes, so intense I was drowning, telling me he wanted to kiss me.

A tear on Eddie's cheek, "There was more to him, he was always there for us."

My hand in Christian's, Lissa against his shoulder. A silent nod that I was doing okay, just fine, but I still had his support.

A branch snapped under my foot and I noticed more of the sun had seeped between the branches. He wouldn't be expecting me this early in the night, perhaps he was asleep. It didn't matter; I didn't even know where I was.

I felt hollow. I wanted the physical activity to finally make me whole. It had been such a long day, yet my eyes were open like I'd never blink. My head was clear, though I didn't bother trying to concentrate. I didn't feel my legs running, just barely felt my lungs working. But I felt alright.

I could stay this way forever, effortlessly.

A few sad laughs, which sent Lissa into sobs. Adrian had been funny, but it was so hard to laugh.

Adrian smoking, overlooking the snow.

"Little Dhampir," His arm draped over my arm smugly, his smile secretive. "Not into older guys, huh?"

Lissa's lengthy recounting of Adrian's potential, as we all watched her tears.

Christian, simply stating who Adrian was, like it was well known that he was caring and reckless and intelligent enough to have been _someone_.

Until I took his life away.

"No, it was no one's fault." Eddie said firmly to Lissa. He glanced around the circle solemnly.

Adrian turned his green eyes on me. "Yes, Darling?" And somehow I'd loved that moment.

How I'd lied to myself that I couldn't love him and Dimitri, or couldn't love him simply because of who he was.

Now he was gone.

Dimitri had told me a long time ago that guardian's didn't get to have a life, to have fun. He'd been right, this world had forced me to grow up very quickly and I probably wouldn't get to enjoy my birthday. The last birthday I had before I didn't really exist anymore. I'd just be another guardian.

But I didn't care now.

Adrian would have no life. He wouldn't get to save lives and heal people; he wouldn't master spirit like he'd wanted. Adrian wouldn't go to university and have a huge fight with his parents about being royal and growing up without them. He wouldn't settle down and marry someone he loved properly, purely. I'd never run into him at royal events and laugh at cute pictures of his family, share secret smiles of what we'd done when we were young, who we'd been. He'd never get to see how much I loved him.

And so I ran. Possibly in circles, it didn't matter as long as all I saw was trees.

He gave me everything, was so vulnerable to me. And it ended up killing him. What value his life could have had if he'd never met me, never fallen in love with me. If my birthday hadn't been next week.

But I was so thankful he had known me, had touched my life and made it better.

"Goodbye, Adrian. I love you, I hope you knew that. With my whole heart, however impossible that seems. I know you knew I still cared about Dimitri, _but I loved you_. Please, be safe and happy, oh God. It's so unfair. I'm sorry." My knees dropped to the ground and I whispered up to heaven. I gasped but didn't cry. So I ran again, because I was still so hollow, yet my heart was breaking.

I wished it would rain. Something to show me I was alive, make me feel that this wasn't a dream.

Agonizing memorizes that were once so cheerful washed over my mind, mixed with the calls of birds, the green world around me.

I saw the cabin in the distance and stopped, quietly. Froze for minutes on end. Dimitri must have known about Adrian and I. Maybe he didn't. How could I tell him Adrian was dead? After everything. It seemed so wrong, that somehow I'd ended up outside one man's secret house, passionately in love with him and grieving the loss of another man, who I'd loved entirely as well. That I was here deciding if I should tell him was almost comical. I had been through so much to end up _here_? For what purpose had some greater being planned any of this? It was a misery.

I couldn't avoid telling him forever, never be able to look him in the eyes or tell him why I was so sad. But did I need to tell him now? I was leaving in a few hours for court and I didn't know how soon I would be back to see Dimitri. He'd think something was wrong if I didn't come back for days. He'd know something was wrong if he saw me now, knowing me as he did. The time would alert him even if he didn't catch on to my emotions.

But what did it matter what he knew?

Because I knew that I _needed_ him.

Otherwise I may end up running for the rest of the night, until we have to leave for court. Never finding a solution, my own mind holding me captive.

I walked slowly towards the cabin. What would he be doing? I shouldn't disturb him. It was late - or early morning for humans. I didn't know what time schedule he was on. How could these years have made me so unsure? It wasn't really the years. It had always been Dimitri. He was the first person to make me question myself, his judgement the first to affect me.

I closed my eyes. _Needed him_. Breathed in deeply. _Needed him_. Breathed out. _Needed him_. Stupid Zen lessons. Stupid Russian God. Stupid me, for needing him.

Stupid Adrian, getting killed _in a car accident_! Stupid me, for having a birthday. Stupid me, for letting him love me.

_Adrian_. "Promise you'll never leave me." He'd said gently, no compulsion in his voice. And perhaps, just maybe, I'd never have left him and we would have fallen further in love. We would have done everything we were going to do: spent the night together on my birthday, had a proper out-of-school-grounds date, gone to a silly movie on valentine's day, moved to college with Lissa, been the god parent's of her and Christian's children, had our own kids. Moved to court, lived our own lives.

Or we wouldn't have.

It didn't matter now, because he'd never get to choose his destiny. I'd never get to be in love with him, simply.

My chest throbbed, like my heart couldn't remember what to do anymore.

This was his end and I was so very sorry.

I opened my eyes and knocked on the cabin door quietly, "It's Rose." I pushed the door open and stepped in tentatively. It smelt like coffee and Dimitri. Light poured in the small window.

Everyone else I knew was probably asleep, but Dimitri had just had breakfast. The thought almost made me smile. But he didn't like coffee, so it was just a reminder of what I'd forced him to endure to live with me. He couldn't even have herbal tea, or whatever he wanted.

I could hear the shower running. Sighing, I sat on the edge of the bed. I felt so small. Helpless against what fate wanted.

"I'll be out in a minute, sorry." Dimitri called.

I curled into the blankets and inhaled his scent.

Unlike most guys, he didn't try to impress me by stepping out in a towel. He came out within minutes fully dressed, his hair slightly damp. If I'd been in a better state of mind, I would have wanted him to be the type of guy who stepped out of the bathroom in a towel. Now, I was grateful. I would have slept with him for the wrong reason and used him. After Adrian had just died.

"You're here early, shouldn't you be asleep?" He questioned.

My expression was blank and my throat didn't want to form words. I tilted my head to the side. "I was running and then I was here."

He came to sit beside me, watching my face and brushing my hair away. I'd always known him not to mention that I was angry or sad or wearing barely any clothes, just to wait until I told him. Or rather, wait until I cracked.

I probably wasn't going to crack; I was so still and numb.

"Do you want to sleep? It's past curfew."

I shook my head slightly; the movement still felt like too much. "I needed to see you, I'm not tired. I have to get back soon."

He raised an eyebrow. I put my head down on his pillow and shut my eyes. He pulled my head onto his lap, rested a hand on my shoulder.

"I love you, Dimitri. God, I love you." I whispered.

His lips tugged up a little, his forehead wrinkled. "I love you too, Roza."

I had to tell him, before the memories ate at me. I needed his advice. So I sat up, pulled away from him to sit on the other side of the bed. It felt wrong to have him comfort me while I told him.

"It's my birthday next week," I stated sadly. I took deep breaths, willing myself to continue. His guardian mask dropped to confusion. I had to look away from his eyes. "Adr- _Adrian_," I sighed, "he went out to get me a present at the mall yesterday... about this time."

Dimitri didn't assume or interrupt.

"There was an accident on the way back and now he's - ... he died." I choked. I couldn't say he was gone. That was too hard to face.

I couldn't look up, he must be thinking how terrible I am, coming to tell him this. I shouldn't have come.

"Oh, Roza," He whispered, but I interrupted him.

"I just came to tell you that I have to go to court for a few days and you shouldn't be concerned." I rushed. I should have left, but I didn't have the willpower to stand up.

"Rose," he said softly, "look at me."

"Dimitri-"

"_Look at me_." He ordered.

I looked up through the curtain of hair that had fallen forward.

"Don't leave, I love you. I know you can't feel it now, but it'll be alright. This won't change your life: you'll graduate, become Lissa's guardian, go to college with her. You can't do anything else; it's too late for him."

It was truth, in the gentlest voice. But it stung my heart, had stray tears rolling down my cheeks. I choked back more tears. I didn't want to go on like he'd not mattered at all, didn't want it to be too late for him. I wanted to fight Dimitri, couldn't stop myself from saying something to hurt him in return.

"But I loved him."

His face didn't change, like he'd just absorbed that instantly, without caring. "There has never been any justice in love, Rose."

And I was crying in front of him, something I never wanted anyone to see. So I couldn't care if it hurt him, I wanted the world to feel this way. To suffer everything I had.

"I could have been with him, stopped him from leaving. I could have stopped him from loving me in the first place; I could have broken up with him when you came back! I shouldn't have let him melt my heart. I knew I'd do this to him."

"Rose, stop it. It wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done which would have stopped that car accident. Don't ruin your memories of him with guilt. Keep going with _your_ life. It won't be hard for long."

I curled up in his lap, regretting what I'd said, the tears slowing as I listened to his heart.

"We're going to court to organize the funeral and it'll take a few days. I'll come see you as soon as I'm back. I'm sorry, Dimitri."

He wrapped his arms around me tighter, "It's okay. I'll see you then." But he didn't let go. He just kissed my head, resting his lips there.

I didn't want to leave him like this, let him think for days that Adrian and I had been together and I'd spent my days with him and then come to sleep with Dimitri and leave.

"Adrian and I never slept together, I really do love you. But..." I sighed. "I loved him too."

"Sometimes you can't choose who you love, I understand."

"I'm not leaving you. I'll always come back to you, you know. That graduate-college-guardian thing, it includes you. You're there with me, okay? I'll tell Lissa about you when we get back. She'll understand. "She'll look after us." I promised.

"So long as you want me there, I will be."

I kissed him, putting all my emotions into it, pulled him closer to me, crushing him to me. He kissed me back, a half-smile on his lips and then pulled back, hands on my shoulders. "Next time, Roza, not like this."

I gave him a sad, apologetic smile and stood up. "I'll see you in a few days."

"Stay safe, Rose." He kissed my head and watched me walk back slowly.


	16. The Ending is Just the Beginning

Epilogue: The Ending is Just the Beginning

Songs: _Iridescent _by _Linkin Park_ & _It comes and it goes_ by _Dido_

Days past at court, but we didn't know time. My group had one goal, and nothing else mattered. Finally, we'd pulled together the beautiful ceremony, the heartbreaking speeches and the reception; something to remember Adrian by. It had all the traditional aspects for a royal moroi funerals but with personal touches we'd all made. While the reception was in the court's garden and every vase was overflowing with perfectly composed colour, the ceremony was decorated with white lilies and soft candle light. Lissa had done an amazing job working out the details, Christian had co-ordinated a simple, delicious menu and Eddie had gotten us these sort after locations in only a few days.

I, however, had a harder job to review: dealing with guests and speeches and seating. Adrian's parents – luckily – would only talk to Lissa or the queen about the funeral, so I was left to find out who else thought they had been an important part of Adrian's life. It was easier to deal with his elitist friends and aunts who just wanted a moment in the spot light than it was to think about why I was doing this.

"Adrian Ivashkov was a great man," Lissa began, so confidently people didn't scoff, "During these last six months at St. Vladimir's he found a place in many of our hearts. Today, we are gathered to mourn this great loss..." She began reciting a prayer and then handed over to the priest. I could tell Lissa was going to fall apart, even without looking through the bond.

The queen's speech was first and revealed more knowledge of Adrian than I had expected. She'd known the real Adrian and would miss him, however regally she said it.

Lissa was next, as I'd decided she would break down through our speeches and should do her own before that happened. "Adrian was a compassionate man, even if at times he didn't show it. He was always ready to help his friends and never said or did anything unkind. We practiced together almost every day," She faltered and looked down at the speech in front of her. "He inspired and encouraged me, while being determined to succeed in his own challenges. Recently he learnt to heal, and his joy at being able to do something so good was not caused by pride at his own achievements – it was because it meant he could do something for the world. That he could have some value, besides being a royal. He was a good man." She was crying by the end and looked down as she stepped slightly to the side to let Christian stand in front of the microphone.

He intertwined his fingers with hers and then looked solemnly at the crowd. "Many of you know Adrian Ivashkov by his reputation, even after meeting him. He wasn't afraid to show his faults and recklessness. But he wasn't an alcoholic or a smoker; he was someone struggling to deal with an unfortunate set of cards in life. He wasn't perfect but he was one of the best men I've ever known. Unjustly, he's had to leave us to get the respect he deserved..." Christian and Lissa came to sit in the front row. Eddie and I made our way to the microphone, giving Lissa sad smiles as we past.

"We are here to celebrate and remember Adrian today." I began.

"I only knew Adrian for the time he was at St. Vladimirs, but I saw him change in that time as he realized, as Lissa said, that he had potential. That he had an individual value. He will be greatly missed, only now do we realize how much we'd come to rely on Adrian to be there – to join in conversations, offer wisdom and humour to every situation." Eddie smiled softly at me to continue.

"Adrian and I were good friends. We helped each other, I'm told, but I don't think I will ever be able to repay the times he's supported me, solved problems in our lives, brightened a bad day or simply understood us." I looked down because Lissa was staring at me with these huge, tear-filled eyes and it made me want to cry too. I looked up and made eye contact with the audience, "I loved Adrian Ivashkov, but I didn't deserve how wholeheartedly he loved me. Those who did not bother to know him," I looked at the rows of Ivashkovs, "Or those who knew him and did not treat him with respect and kindness, who didn't love him back," I looked at his parents in the front row, "Did not deserve his love. I hope Adrian has found peace now, somewhere he can truly be happy. I hope he knows that he will be missed, loved and remembered. His death is a great loss to our world."

I didn't cry then, I waited days until I was back in Dimitri's arms, where I cried for what I'd lost. For what Adrian had lost. For what Adrian had been put through in life. I cried because life had been cruel enough that he'd chosen me when I couldn't return his love, and because I'd been blind to the fact that I loved him back. I cried for Dimitri too. I cried because I'd hurt him, so deeply and because he could never have the career he deserved, the family he'd always wanted.

Mostly, I just cried because I missed Adrian and it broke my heart.

Dimitri, ever patient and knowledgeable, understood and stroked my hair, let me sleep in his lap and cry on his shoulder.

...

"Liss," I whispered, one night a couple of weeks later as we studied in her room.

She's been absorbed in her textbook and only glanced up briefly, "Mm?"

"It's about Dimitri. Don't think I'm crazy, you have to trust me." My voice was quiet, even though we were alone.

She looked up and watched me, "I do trust you, completely."

I didn't know how to begin, or really say any of it, so I just got to the point. "He's alive, as in, dhampir alive. He's living in that cabin where Tasha stayed. He has been for weeks. I didn't know how to tell you, no one can know. But we've got to protect him, Liss. I can't live without him."

"What? How?" She was shocked and looked like she didn't completely believe me.

"It's a long story. I started getting these odd notes and things, sensing someone watching me. I thought it might have been Cameron, but I eventually found out it was Dimitri..." I explained about how she'd changed him back, how he wasn't completely himself and everything that had been going on. Through the bond, I knew she wanted to believe me, trusted me when I said I wasn't crazy. I knew that she meant it when she promised to help Dimitri and not tell anyone, ever.

After school the next day we went to see him, and he explained further what had happened and answered her questions. She was delighted to have saved him, worried about how he was and relieved to know I wasn't going mad. She thought we'd eventually have to tell Christian, as he'd probably be around all the time once we graduated. She was undecided on a lot of the details on what came next, as she would be living at court full time after college and I would need to be with her. It hurt her to think I was sacrificing my life – she envisioned us running off together to live happily ever after – to protect her. She was determined to find a way to make this work. So was I.

...

Three years later I was guarding Christian Ozera.

A/N: As with all endings, I hope you're satisfied with the answers. It's been a long, long, process.

I have to thank _kinanbon x3 _for reading and helping me find an ending, while a little depressing - yes, it's her fault Adrian died – the ending made more sense than anything I was thinking of. Really, she's so lovely, check out her profile! (Can you believe I spent hours wondering, brainstorming, pulling my hair out, trying to think of an ending, and she just thinks it up so simply? Okay, it was slightly obvious, but my subconscious was keeping it from me to avoid all the heartbreaking moments.)

I admit, now that it's over, that I'm a little Team Adrian. But really, Adrian breaking up with Rose, or Dimitri running away, were even harder concepts to write.

Please let me know what you think of the ending, this is the end after all! And keep watching for more girl-on-sunshine fics!


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